Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I'll admit it.

I, CottonSocks, am in fact one of those exceedingly annoying and childishly impatient people who is hoping that she'll get a guess at the sex of the baby at the NT scan.

I know it a) may not happen; b) is excessively early, and that the gentalia is still forming and that boys and girls look remarkably similar at this stage of development; c)that even if they do guess and base it on the debatably accurate method of measuring the angle of the genital tubercle it is still not necessarily any more accurate than using the Intelligender; d) many people have been given guesses that turned out not to be true.

Still, I'm hoping they wager a guess. Because I want to know. I am a little afraid of how strongly I feel Chickie is a girl and how attached I am to that idea. I would be happy with either sex, but I've always preferred a girl first and always pictured myself a mother to daughters and I'm scared of being disappointed or upset if it's a boy, and scared that I will be one of those crazy women who experience extreme gender disappointment. I think the fact that I want a little boy and that I love this baby who moves around and swims away from the doppler so much already should prevent that, but I'm scared that my wishful hopes for a girl will overwhelm that.

Is that crazy? I'm not scared of having a boy - I'm scared of being disappointed that I'm having a boy.

Two weeks ago, sex of the baby was the furthest thing from my mind - I just wanted to know it was still alive and healthy. Since the bleeding and resulting scan assure me that the baby was very much alive and apparently healthy (though tomorrow will tell us much more, and so I am a little nervous), it's been on my mind. Not to mention, two friends due in November have just had their big ultrasounds and know what they are having, thrusting it back to the forefront of my mind.

I considered Intelligender for awhile. I thought it would be fun, and not something I would take too seriously, and were it not nearly $30 (I can get three crib sheets for that price), I think I would do it. Alas, practicality has prevailed, and so I find myself reading up on the accuracy of guesses made after 12 weeks gestation, without even knowing if they'll take a peek or be willing to hazard a guess.

Sure I can wait for my 18-22 week u/s. Sure I could try to hold out for delivery (and watch this little bugger be one of the shy ones just to screw with me). But I won't.

Will it matter? Not really - because either way, either sex, you won't know. That's the deal we made. Yep, we are firmly planted in Team Smug - We know . . . but we're not telling. When there was some disagreement over finding out the gender we agreed that most of the fun in not knowing was keeping everyone else guessing and interested. Which can still be done if you know but keep it a secret. It will be hard around here and on the internets, but easier in real life where we keep repeating whenever the subject is raised, "Oh, we're planning to keep it a surprise!" People assume that means for us as well, but we'll let that be our little secret.

So all this hand-wringing and hopefulness today? is kind of funny, really. It's certainly not the most important thing - now or in 6-10 weeks - but it sure does occupy some time.

1 comment:

Samantha Marie said...

It's not crazy. I felt the same way. From the very beginning I just knew it was a boy. I have no idea why, but I just knew. However for years when I pictured myself having a child it's been a girl. No wonder really. We ourselves are girls, and if you look in the toy section at any store all the dolls we play with as children are girls. So I think it's natural for us to "prefer" having a girl first. And I don't even like to use the work prefer, I think it's more like we subconsciously expect to have a girl first.

I was also afraid of having some gender disappointment. Which is why I wanted to find out before it was born. I would rather feel it at 20 weeks than when I give birth. But I will tell you this. It's been about 6 weeks since we found out and I cannot be more happier that I'm having a boy. Once I got used to the idea, it just grew on me and I can't imagine having a girl anymore. So I'm sure even if in the beginning you might be a bit taken aback if it's a boy, you will definitely get used to the idea before he's born.