Today was a terrible day. No sleep, insomnia, terrible headache, nausea and vomitting. I'm continuing to have soreness around my uterus, which I attribute to stretching and growth and round ligament pain has made an appearance.
Chickie is getting better at ducking the doppler - we can hear the sounds of the baby swimming away, and have such a difficult time catching the heartbeat.
I stayed home today and threw up and slept.
It sounds miserable, doesn't it? I felt pretty miserable.
And then, sitting here waiting for DH to get home from work, I went to do something I've done only rarely lately. I went to catch up on some blogs I used to read. One of which led to a new blog that was interesting, and to another, and finally to a third. Something in it grabbed me and I found myself reading back through the archives of this beautiful woman's story. She said something that made me break down in tears and not a little shame.
She said that her mother had told her something very important. That few people ever stop to ask 'Why am I so blessed? Why did I get so lucky?' - many of us assume we deserve the good things in our lives, that for whatever reason, the blessings are earned. And the bad things - that is when we question and rage and scream at the universe or God. But that if we are not going to question our good fortune, we have no right to question our bad fortune either.
And it's true, in a way.
What did I do to deserve the love and devotion and affection of someone I consider to be a far better person than me? What did I do to deserve to be born to my mother and my father, who are wonderful people that love me unconditionally and support me? Why am I so lucky to have siblings who are good people who help others and put up with me? Why am I so blessed to have my sweet pets in my life? How did I become so fortunate to land in a job with opportunity when I had no experience? What did I do to earn the life I have? What blessings did I earn to be 14.5 weeks pregnant with a so far healthy baby and largely uncomplicated pregnancy?
Precious little. These are gifts that I've been given, not luxuries I was owed. I am grateful, but I need also to be more thankful for these beautiful things and this wonderful life. To stop dwelling in the negative, worrying over what is to come and fretting over the inconsequential. To rejoice, be happy, appreciate, give thanks.