Monday, February 2, 2009

Betwixt and between

Well, the weekend was fine. Nothing was accomplished, though I'm very ok with that right now. It was relaxing and fun. Yes, we watched the Super Bowl. No, I didn't much care about the outcome either way. Yes, I'm ready to focus on basketball again -Spurs are looking good! This is the annual Rodeo Road Trip, in which the Spurs have a very long stretch of games away from home as the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo takes place in their arena. It is traditionally a time when the team really comes together and really starts meshing the disparate pieces into place and become cohesive. There is a saying on my Spurs board - SPAM. Spurs Peak After March. This is the gear up to that. They've been playing pretty well - for the regular season - but there is work to be done if they really want to compete for the championship. Now is when that is honed - the defense needs work and they need to learn how to maintain a lead. We get to see how things really stand for the team after the RRT. I was pleased with their last two wins though, fo sho.

Other than that, I'm back to feeling as I did after the last miscarriage (well, in a more sane way). I feel sort of lost. I don't know quite where to post or what to say. I am having a little difficulty being around newbs who are just starting out and around pregnant women - in general, but especially those (the vast majority) who have never suffered a loss or the panic or the fear that I've suffered. Equally, I find it difficult to post on loss boards (too sad or too . . . stuck) and feel guilty for posting on boards for women who've been trying awhile, as I haven't really been - and getting pregnant doesn't seem to be our issue so much as staying pregnant. I feel like a ghost, with no where to go and nothing solid to hang on to.

The one place I feel most comfortable finds me feeling awkard, as babies are about to be born (yay!) and new pregnancies are underway (yay - but how odd to feel . . . not jealous . . . but left behind? we began our last pregnancies together and ended them near each other. I felt left behind when I lost Chickadee, and feel that way again and fear offending or hurting, even though I'm dying to know everything and ask a million questions). Likewise, fertility treatments haven't worked and my heart aches. I don't know what to say though - comfort feels foreign to me right now.

I don't quite know how I feel about things. Again, lost betwixt and between the reason and the light. I wonder where that is from? It feels like a quotation I've just mangled, lol. It's appropriate. I wouldn't call how I feel a mood swing, per se - just . . . shifting. Like the ground beneath me is sand rather than something stable. One moment, resigned, looking forward. The next angry and hollow. The following, scared and listless. I've learned a lot about this and continue to repeat to myself what I know . . . but. Yes, but. I'm not sure what any of it means or what is next to come. I feel like a failure and in the next breath, I'm reciting off the reasons it's all a fluke and I shouldn't worry.

It's a bit of a blur, this constant shifting between faces and feelings. And feeling cut off, adrift . . . it doesn't help much. I tried to write this weekend - there was a moment of clarity about my story, what was coming and where it would go and an important scene and I I could not find the words. This kept flowing around me, whipping around me like a hard wind and I couldn't focus. It is frustrating. My dreams have been realistic, colorful, fast-paced. And I wake to find myself confused and not well rested, but the dreams are vivid in my mind.

It is tiresome, all wearying.

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