Well, the weekend was fine. Nothing was accomplished, though I'm very ok with that right now. It was relaxing and fun. Yes, we watched the Super Bowl. No, I didn't much care about the outcome either way. Yes, I'm ready to focus on basketball again -Spurs are looking good! This is the annual Rodeo Road Trip, in which the Spurs have a very long stretch of games away from home as the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo takes place in their arena. It is traditionally a time when the team really comes together and really starts meshing the disparate pieces into place and become cohesive. There is a saying on my Spurs board - SPAM. Spurs Peak After March. This is the gear up to that. They've been playing pretty well - for the regular season - but there is work to be done if they really want to compete for the championship. Now is when that is honed - the defense needs work and they need to learn how to maintain a lead. We get to see how things really stand for the team after the RRT. I was pleased with their last two wins though, fo sho.
Other than that, I'm back to feeling as I did after the last miscarriage (well, in a more sane way). I feel sort of lost. I don't know quite where to post or what to say. I am having a little difficulty being around newbs who are just starting out and around pregnant women - in general, but especially those (the vast majority) who have never suffered a loss or the panic or the fear that I've suffered. Equally, I find it difficult to post on loss boards (too sad or too . . . stuck) and feel guilty for posting on boards for women who've been trying awhile, as I haven't really been - and getting pregnant doesn't seem to be our issue so much as staying pregnant. I feel like a ghost, with no where to go and nothing solid to hang on to.
The one place I feel most comfortable finds me feeling awkard, as babies are about to be born (yay!) and new pregnancies are underway (yay - but how odd to feel . . . not jealous . . . but left behind? we began our last pregnancies together and ended them near each other. I felt left behind when I lost Chickadee, and feel that way again and fear offending or hurting, even though I'm dying to know everything and ask a million questions). Likewise, fertility treatments haven't worked and my heart aches. I don't know what to say though - comfort feels foreign to me right now.
I don't quite know how I feel about things. Again, lost betwixt and between the reason and the light. I wonder where that is from? It feels like a quotation I've just mangled, lol. It's appropriate. I wouldn't call how I feel a mood swing, per se - just . . . shifting. Like the ground beneath me is sand rather than something stable. One moment, resigned, looking forward. The next angry and hollow. The following, scared and listless. I've learned a lot about this and continue to repeat to myself what I know . . . but. Yes, but. I'm not sure what any of it means or what is next to come. I feel like a failure and in the next breath, I'm reciting off the reasons it's all a fluke and I shouldn't worry.
It's a bit of a blur, this constant shifting between faces and feelings. And feeling cut off, adrift . . . it doesn't help much. I tried to write this weekend - there was a moment of clarity about my story, what was coming and where it would go and an important scene and I could.not.do.it. I could not find the words. This kept flowing around me, whipping around me like a hard wind and I couldn't focus. It is frustrating. My dreams have been realistic, colorful, fast-paced. And I wake to find myself confused and not well rested, but the dreams are vivid in my mind.
It is tiresome, all wearying.