Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Cranky as an ice-maker in hell.

Which has to be pretty cranky, right?

I don't even know what to post. I have about three or four posts I started and discarded. One ranty, venty, judgey one. One sappy silver-lining crappy one. Etc.

The fact of the matter is simply that I am in a judgemental, bitter place right now. I see people getting bfp's and I feel personally insulted. I see people making decisions in pregnancy or with newborns and feel judgemental and angry. I don't want to feel this way, becuase it's awful. It makes me an awful person, and it makes me rude and it makes me judgemental and I know it. I know how hateful I sound and how stupid it is.

I recognize that the universe/God doesn't quite work the way it feels right now. I know that the octo-mom didn't steal my babies. I know that her complete mess of a situation has not a single fucking thing to do with me, but goddamned if I don't want to shriek with incoherent rage and fury that she has 14 kids she cannot possibly care for and I have two failed pregnancies. I know that someone I don't like getting a bfp is not God laughing at me. I know that feeling as angry as I do is neither productive nor appropriate.

It doesn't matter, it just is. I can't seem to shut it off. I'm sure it's just a red herring for fear of the future and anger at the situation and at the fucking douchebag doctor that I still have. Nevertheless, I find myself welling up with anger and bitterness and the whole fucking situation makes me cranky and tired.


Dawn~a~Bon said...

I'm sorry hon. I hate octo-mom too, with a fiery hot passion. I change the station when they start talking about her stupid ass.


Rebecca said...

I understand. I'm pretty fvcking angry myself. Life sucks sometimes. Know that you're not alone. -Becky19