Friday, August 28, 2009

I don't want to.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to find a way to live with this. I don't want to find a new normal. I don't want to find peace with this and go on with my life.

It's too much. It's too much to ask of me and it's too big.

I will go on, of course. I am the survivor, the strong one. I've done it before on a smaller scale and if nothing else, I will exist until life happens again of its own accord (so you needn't fear I'm on the edge of throwing myself off a building or swallowing the bottle of ibuprofen).

I just don't want to.

I'm going home tomorrow. My mom has to leave and I can't stay here with just myself. DH offered to get time off from work - and he is - but I can't do it. I'm not ready to be by myself with just us. So we're going home. Where it is safe from places I went while I was pregnant and places that have baby stuff and infants who lived. A place where I can just exist for awhile with no real demands on me. And then we'll come home and start to put it back together, I guess.

I just want to find a dark cave and crawl in there with a pillow and blanket and stay there forever.


bkb said...

Hugs and love and prayers your way. I am so sorry. You are being forced to shoulder a grief so deep it is unimaginable.

Aleina said...

I don't know if I have ever commented before, but I have been reading your blog for a long time because I was originally due around the same time as you were with Chickadee. I ended up losing that baby at 21 weeks, and have continued reading your story, waiting for your happy ending which you SO deserve. I am just devastated to read the news and so sorry that you are having to live this nightmare. I know all to well the feeling of not wanting to live with it. I am seven months out, pregnant again, and still feel that way sometimes.

Just wanted to say my heart is with you!

koyn said...

My heart breaks for you. Sending prayers an dhugs your way. I am so sorry that you have to endure such pain.

gallerygirl said...

I don't blame you... give into this grief. Don't shortchange yourself the right to wallow in it.

I've cried for you several times this week and cannot imagine your pain. My husband and I are thinking of you and yours often.

Patty said...

Your angel Gabriel. Please know that even strangers are sending you love and supporting you as you grieve.