Sunday, August 30, 2009

Unsaid.

How are you doing?
(Please don't say anything too much. I hurt for you and your pain and don't think I know what to do if you start crying.)

I'm tired.
(I am sad, lonely, aching with longing to hold my son again. I feel completely shattered, like my heart has been ripped out of my body.)

Oh.
(Thank god, I can handle that.)

-silence-

We're thinking of you.
(We feel sad when we remember and take a moment to be appreciative of our blessings.)

Thank you.
(Oh, Gabriel, you were so beautiful and perfect. I miss you so much. I do not want to live the rest of my life without you in it.)

So. . . let us know if you need something. Anything we can do, please call.
(I would like to make some of the pain better, and there is nothing to do. But hey, I can bring you dinner or send you some flowers, I'll even do your laundry.)

Thank you, there's nothing. But if something comes up. . .
(It's appreciated, but all I want in life is for my son back with me. You cannot make that happen. So now I just want to be alone where I don't have to think about comforting you too.)

It's worse what is unsaid between my husband and I, the things that are spoken with the touches, the eyes, the tears. Pleas for each other to be ok, asking if you are thinking about him right now too. Trying hard to be brave and together for the other person, each of us wanting to break down.

I wish more people would look me in the eyes. I wish more people would say his name and acknowledge that Gabriel was born, lived and died and mattered in this world.

12 comments:

Rebecca said...

I am thinking of little Gabriel. -Becky19

Blair said...

Gabriel will always, always, always matter.

Rachel said...

::looks Eas in the eyes::

Gabriel was important, is important, and will be remembered.

Serendipite said...

Gabriel was and still is loved. Gabriel was important to this world and will always be remembered. Gabriel's life was short and poignant and he was taken far too soon. Gabriel will always matter.

Shumpy said...

Gabriel will ALWAYS matter and will ALWAYS be loved.
-Bar07

Bill and Jodi said...

I admire your tremendous courage and strength to share this heart-breaking story.

Gabriel has touched the lives of strangers, he will always be your little boy, and he will always be remembered.

MamaMia said...

I am sorry you got such a short time to spend with your sweet Gabriel. He is loved and missed.

I hope he is playing in heaven with my little Sophia.

Kim said...

Gabriel is loved by so many.

Alyssa said...

Gabriel touched more lives in his short time on earth than many manage to in years. He is, and will always be important. He matters to so many.

Kristy said...

I am new to your blog, just came across it this morning. I am so sorry for your tragic loss. Everything you are thinking and feeling is SO normal. Your little boy was perfect and loved so very much, and i'm sure he knows that. I have been in your shoes, twice. I have lost 2 baby boys, my heart has broken twice.
Stay strong...you will get through this. Not today, not tomorrow, and not next month...its a journey you will walk forever. But one day, you will smile for your baby boy - or so i'm told.

Katie and Rick said...

I just read Gabriel's story and your beautiful words. I found your blog through glow in the woods. I think Gabriel was due around the same time as our Juliet--January 17, 2010. She was born on October 10 and lived for two hours. I just wanted you to know that Gabriel is making a difference in my life and I will remember his influence in my grief process. Thank you.

Sherri said...

I'm just cruising blogs, searching for I'm not quite sure what. I can relate to a lot of your posts, and just want to say that Gabriel is still being thought of caringly.... I'm so sorry for your loss.