Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Some of the answers

As to how we are, devastated is an understatement and yet we are also as well as possible. We are eating, sleeping some, talking, existing. My mother is here with us and my friends are checking in on us regularly as are my in-laws and my family. Everyone has been very kind and there are offers of help from everyone. There really isn't much that we need, but it is appreciated.

We don't know what happened or why. It was sudden, unexpected and we didn't have a lot of warning. It could have been in some way related to the placenta previa and all the bleeding, but I don't think there is any way to know. Gabriel was healthy and well until his birth. He was alive when he was born and lived for a short time. He died in our arms, but we don't know exactly when. Just that he was alive when we were finally allowed to hold him and that later when he was checked, he was gone. We spent three hours with him, we have pictures of him, and they made a mold of his footprints for us and gave us the blanket he was wrapped in and the hats he wore.

I am not ready to talk about his birth, as the experience was traumatic and has left me angry and upset. I will at some point though, because it was my son's birth and it should be told.

He was beautiful and perfect, with these long, long limbs. He had his daddy's eyebrows and ears and long legs and big feet, and he had my nose and mouth and chin. He was going to have my eyes too, I think. His little hands and feet had perfect little fingers and toes with tiny, tiny fingernails. He weighed 12 ounces, but I don't know how long he was.

This morning we went to the funeral home to make arrangements to have his remains cremated. I felt like I was going to be knocked down by the pain. It will take at least a week and DH has to call again to make certain we will get his ashes. I guess it was unclear earlier but I didn't notice.

I am surprised that the world keeps turning. I expected that it would stop, just for a little while, just some acknowledgment that my son was born and has died. How it is still moving, I don't know. I wish it would stop for awhile; long enough for me to figure out how to live again.

31 comments:

PSUWifey said...

Take care of yourself Eas, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...I am very sorry for your loss.

FSUguard said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Eas. I know no words can comfort you, but know that so many of us are praying for you and your family.

Jill in CA said...

I know you don't know me, but I am due about the same time you were, and have lurked at the bump for awhile but never posted. I read today about what happened, and that there was a link to your blog here. I don't "know" who everyone is on there yet, but I immediately recognized your name. I am so very sorry, more so than I can put into words.

tofutami said...

I am so so sorry. Your words have a way of touching me. For what it is worth, while I was reading them, my world DID stop.
Peace be with you.

kiki_d_24 said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and am thinking about you and your family constantly.

amyfromky said...

I really do not even know what to say. I am praying for you and your husband. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Amy said...

Please know you have people praying for you and your family.

mandie lane said...

Continued love and prayers from an Austin Nestie grieving for your loss.

Terri said...

I am again so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine where your head and heart are in the face of this tragedy. You, your husband, and your son continue to be in my thoughts.

((Hugs)),
Mrs.tlcS

Buckin said...

Continued prayers for you and your family. I have stopped my day to honor you and your son a few times. Small moments and small pieces of the world have stopped for you and him. I know it seems it is still turning but the world knows and grieves with you and for you.
The world will also be here when you are ready to return and will honor your son's memory.

Katie said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be for a long time.

Love, Ms.Figgie

shotzie said...

You've been in my thoughts and prayers since I heard what happened. I'm so so sorry you're going through this pain. I wish I was there to give you a giant hug.

SweetSpikette said...

Eas, I'm so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

RunnerBaby said...

Words completely fail to describe how heartbroken I am for you. I will pray for you and your family for a very long time. Take care of yourself.

weelass said...

Eas, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I don't even know what to say, other than that. I can't even begin to say anything that is adequate. Just know that we love you and we are here for you whenever you are ready.

Missy said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I've been thinking about you a lot and I wish the best for you and your DH.

Delia said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

Laura said...

Oh Eas, I have no words. Just tears. Take care of yourself and your DH.
With love,
Alex17

Lucky said...

I am so sorry you are going through this... I will pray for you.

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry. I've been thinking of you.

Beth said...

Elizabeth, please accept my deepest sympathy for your lost. One of my best friends lost twins last year at 20 weeks 3 days and I would be happy to put you in touch with her. Grieve for as long and in as many ways as necessary. Hugs and love to you and yours.
-Beth

BStruble1211 said...

I don't know if you recognize my name, but I am BeckyS1211 from the bump. I am so truly sorry about Gabriel. We lost first son Noah last December. He was born stillborn at 22w. If there is anything that I could be of help with I am happy to do it. Making arrangements is soooo difficult. You and your hubby are strong, and I am so glad that you are surrounded my friends and family now. Big hugs to you...

Ibis said...

I've been thinking of you so much since I first read the news. I wish there was something I could say or do that would be of comfort... I'm glad that you and your husband got to spend a little time with your son and see his face. Please know that there are a lot of people out there thinking of you right now.

That Chick Over There said...

There are no words. Just no words.

NicNacKlein said...

I am so very sorry, Eas. So very, very sorry.

t.bird said...

i don't even know what to say- i'm so sorry hon :(

LDRN said...

So sorry for your loss. My heart dropped out of my chest when I heard the news.
I'm praying for you all, and I hope you & your family get the answers you need.

Jessica Loves Trevor (JLT) said...

I am so sorry. I don't have any insightful words of wisdom to offer, but I have thought about you so often over the past few days. (((hugs)))

Amanda said...

I am so so sorry for you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Serendipite said...

I am so so sorry for your loss, and I am angry at the universe (((HUGS))) and please take care of yourself

Mana said...

Eas, we are praying for you and keeping you in our thoughts.