Thursday, August 27, 2009

Regrets

I hated a lot of my pregnancy. It was hard and difficult and I was sick a lot and weak. I remember recently talking with a few people about feeling guilty about disliking pregnancy after having had losses because I knew how badly other people wanted to be putting up with all that shit.

And God, I regret it now. I'm not saying that everyone has to be all Pollyanna about vomiting up chunky breakfast dishes or $100 celebratory meals, as I did. But I would do anything to have that time back and to still be pregnant and on bedrest or to know that I would lose my son so that I could rejoice more in the time I had with him.

I regret that I didn't allow myself to love him the way he deserved to be loved by his mother. I was so afraid of to love him, that if I did, he would be taken away from me, or that I would hurt more. But a week ago, I saw him again, sucking his thumb, and got a good look at his face and his long long legs and I was gone. Head over heels. Four perfect days of being in love with my Gabriel. Of talking to him, of reading to him (and how I regret not finishing the story), of telling him how amazing he was and all the things we would do together.

I regret how much time I wasted worrying about stupid things, like that stupid registry. Like money. Like work. Like what people think about me. None of it matters now. God, to have that time again to rub my belly and just spend that time where it mattered, with him. Talking to him, loving him, telling him all about us.

I regret the time I spent wanting a girl, and I regret that he may somehow have thought that I didn't want him because he was a boy. I regret the times we were short-tempered with him or snapped at him because we couldn't find him on the doppler or I was feeling unwell or bleeding again.

I regret his birth, and how I will always wonder if I gone sooner instead of waiting to see if the cramping and then contractions would stop if there would have been enough time. I regret waiting to see which hospital to attend and the choice to wait and go to the closer hospital. I will forever regret that he was left alone for any moment of his brief life. It happened so fast and DH couldn't see that he was alone, and I could. I could have told him to be with our son. I will forever regret that I didn't pick him up after he was born. I was just frozen by it.

I regret that I didn't touch him enough while he was still alive, or kiss him while he was alive or hug him to me tight enough. Is there ever enough time? Did he know he was loved and did he know we were there and was it enough love and touches for a lifetime?

Dh says that his life was what we wanted for him, in many ways. Filled with love and with his family surrounding him. I think he might be right, but there are so many regrets surrounding me right now. So much blame and so many recriminations. So much anger. I miss Gabriel.

19 comments:

shotzie said...

Eas, anyone would've felt miserable going through a rough pregnancy like you did. I think you handled it amazingly and stayed very strong through it.

Gabriel knew how wanted, loved, and cherished he was. Your heart is forever connected to his. He knows.

*Hugs*

gallerygirl said...

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Leslie said...

You don't know me, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Words fail me. But even though I don't really know you, you and your husband are in my thoughts. I feel certain that Gabriel knew how loved he was/is.

Tri047 said...

OMG Eas. I am truly heartbroken for you and your family. Everyone gets caught up in the trivial things about being pregnant. Don't beat yourself up over it. Gabriel knows how much you loved him forever and for always. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mana said...

I am SO sorry Eas. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Gabriel knew he was loved, of this Im sure.

That Chick Over There said...

I just wanted to tell you I'm here. I'm listening and I love you.

Scottish Twins said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your husband, as well as for your beautiful little angel in heaven. I'm sure he's resting in Jesus' arms right now!

Kristen said...

Gabriel knew he was loved, I just know it. I've followed your blog for a while now, and, throughout all the posts about your fears and not feeling well, it was very obvious that you loved him.

Please don't blame yourself. Nothing was your fault. Sometimes life just sucks and is unfair and doesn't make any sense, and it's no one's fault.

Thinking of you lots. (((hugs)))

Rebecca said...

Easjer, I am so very sorry. I have been thinking of you and little Gabriel nonstop since hearing your news. Life is horribly unfair. Hang in there. -Becky19

Ibis said...

*hugs*
I'm so sorry.

admin said...

I have no doubts Gabriel knew how much he was wanted, how much he was loved and adored and cherished by you and your family. No doubts whatsoever. I think of you often. ((huge hugs))-kmtfu

NicNacKlein said...

He knows you loved him, Eas. I don't believe if much, but I believe that.
I'm still weeping for you. But I BELIEVE that Gabriel felt love.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

He knows, hon. ((HUGS))

Tena said...

(hug)

Stephanie said...

Eas- Don't blame yourself. Gabriel knows how much you love him.

Take care of yourself.

moroccojade said...

Be gentle with yourself, dear friend. Gabriel was, and is, so very loved. Especially by you, his mother. Your warmth and protection surrounded him. What you have in your heart for him is so strong it transcends time and space and dimension. We know where he is. And he knows the depth of reality of your love for him 2000%.

So yes. Be gentle with yourself.

love you.

Alyssa said...

I have absolutely no doubt that he's hugging you from heaven, because he knows how much you love him.

Kelli said...

I found your blog from the bump loss boards. I am so sorry for your loss. I delivered my son stillborn last year at 31 weeks. I remember the horrible feelings of guilt and regret. I still have them. The pain is heartwrenching and my heart aches that you have to go through this. Please know, you have nothing to feel guilty about and you haven't done anything wrong. If you ever need to vent to someone, please feel free to contact me. k.dorais@hotmail.com (Irishmama13)

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

It's never enough time... But he knew how much you love(d) him. He knew.