Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Mood swings

My mood isn't swinging through the trees like a monkey on crack, the way it was last week, but it is certainly not placidly chewing cud like a happy cow either.

I think I'm feeling bizarre and unrelated stretched metaphors today. Hmm.

It's the regular 2ww tango, the back and forth of 'am I' 'am I not?' with extra special twists 'coming up on six months, hard to believe I'm not pregnant already' 'can't believe we are going ahead. maybe we should take a break' 'this needs to happen already''I don't think I can do another cycle''what side effects are potential pregnancy and what are Zoloft'. . .

round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows.

Sidenote: My coworkers and I were talking about how awesome recess was and we were split down the middle between people who had merry-go-rounds on their playground and those who didn't. We didn't. We mostly did monkey-bars and swings. I miss swings. I remember believing if I tried hard enough, I could in fact swing all the way around.

On top of that, budget cuts are looming at work and people are worried and there is a lot of running around and fussing. There isn't a lot that is known for certain, so there are a lot of rumors and trying to combat them and quell the panic gets tiresome. Also? I will be happy when this week is over. I'm damn tired of looking at expense reports.

I'm trying to stay distracted - I have a couple of new books, which helps. I'm also trying not to do things that wind me up. But it's all easier said than done.

I think it doesn't help that today was one in which the background sadness and loneliness reared up. I miss Gabriel. I miss the life that I thought I would have now. I wish I could picture how he would look at 2 months old and I can't really. I found out friends are having a boy and I cringed.

I'm just ready to be done with this. I dislike this feeling of stagnation, it's so pervasive and stifling.


The Lady said...

Don't know if I've delurked myself b/f but if not, I'm doing so now. I appreciated your blog. Your honesty is very refreshing. I also feel your pain. I'm in the 2ww wondering if I(We) should give ourselves a break after this cycle. To add to the craziness I miscarried a year ago. Though I'm sure it's making my anxiety worse, at the same time I know the sadness of m/c has eased tremendously since last year. I'm thinking/praying for you as you wait and still mourn the loss of your tiny boy.

Anonymous said...

dude! recess? YES!

we had a merry-go-round, though i don't recall ever riding on it. the bully kids 'operated' it. haha. it was like a scene out of the warriors.

ps - wish i could speed up the wait for all of us!