Dear Self:
Please note that when one is feeling shaky and mood-swingy from the combination of stress of trying to conceive, lack of bodily cooperation, and coming off anti-depressants, one might question the wisdom in deciding now is the best time to read up on the various types of cerclages performed.
One might further note that while pursuing medical information rather than, say, Yahoo! Q&A on the subject is generally a good idea, reading about the formal diagnoses and procedures and risks of cerclages is maybe not a good idea.
Further, if one were to disregard all the above and stupidly read up on it anyway, then one probably deserves what one gets, even if that is a nauseated sick feeling and the shakes when contemplating the procedure.
You have only yourself to blame. Now is an excellent time to pull the list of questions for Dr. B back out and start adding to it.
2 comments:
Hi Eliza,
I'm so glad I finally have gotten out of 'feeling sorry for myself lazy' and am over here to your blog.
I am always compelled to reach for knowledge and logic in the medical mysteries of my body, my pregnancies, my loss, and my infertility...and it often does just as you have described it: left me shaking, scared and defeated.
Just once, I would like to look up a question and read the answer, "The cure is quite simple, it requires two Pez candies a day for a week."
I'm sorry you are in a place where TTC again and even contemplating pregnancy is both compellig and terrifying.
It is not how it should've been.
Eve
Today is a little better (though my mood swings are all over the place and my concentration is shit). I don't know what prompted it last night. I've read up on the procedure before but decided to get better acquainted with the benefits/drawbacks of the McDonald vs the Shirodkar stitching (versus TAC).
I found a wonderfully informative series written by doctors explaining incompetent cervix from beginning to end - about the best general info you could get.
And holy crap was I green afterwards. I mean, I logically knew epidural, stay in hospital, stitching through cervix, etc. But seeing it spelled out in detail, diagramming of the stitching, risk factors and consent forms . . . it's overwhelming.
I know we'd do just about anything to have a child and this is considered relatively commonplace now, and has a high success rate (85-95% prophylactic) but . . . but . . . but . . . they are going to stick me in hospital for a day or so, stick a needle in my spine (and I have always always always wanted to avoid an epidural), ratchet open my vagina, do their best to move the bladder and parts of my vagina out of the way and sew my cervix shut. And that may or may not help and it may or may not come out again (depending on the stitch and situation). And it could cause problems and has a higher risk of infection and stuff. And did I mention the epidural and the part where they take a needle and surgical thread and SEW MY CERVIX SHUT?!
Can you see me running down the hall shrieking? That's how it's going in my head when I read it.
But likewise, knowing that the damage is where it is - at the internal os - holy cow. We have no choice. If it wasn't incompetent cervix with Gabriel, it likely would have been. Nobody caught it, but it's clear. The internal os would have continued to degrade under pressure. We can't take the risk. It could be fine, and we could measure and watch, but . . . no thanks.
I think Pez, or better yet, SnoCaps or Raisinettes sound like the ideal treatment for medical conditions.
Nice to see you here, Eve.
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