Monday, February 8, 2010

Stupid Body

I won't go into details, only express my extreme disappointment in this enormous bundle of flesh that surrounds me.

We're not feeling very friendly towards each other so much right now.

I realize that as one being, it seems odd, perhaps even impossible, to be at odds with yourself, but believe me. It's possible.

Not a fan, physicality. Stop fucking around with me, because I do NOT find this at all amusing or entertaining.

Also, now into November. Sigh.

Is it wrong to say that I'm tired of having sex? Because I am. It's nothing to do with DH and everything to do with being resentful of being in this situation to begin with. It gets more and more difficult to push away the thoughts that I should still be recovering, snuggling at home with Gabe while still on leave, not trying to work up enthusiasm to have sex yet again while we desperately work on perfect timing and my body just doesn't work the way it is supposed to.

I am tired. I am tired of the whole mess. Some bad news at work casts some doubt on the wisdom of proceeding with this, and there is always the looming thought that losing weight can only be to my benefit in a future pregnancy. In short, logically, there is every good reason to take a break. I'm tired, I'm not in physically optimal condition, our finances are being overhauled and the potential for nasty things like forced vacations, limited sick/vacation roll-over for next fiscal year, and unpaid furloughs now looming. The smart thing to do, it would seem, would be just let things be for a couple of months.

But that goes so totally against the compulsion I feel that I simply can't do it. So I feel growly and gruesome and sometimes just plain angry at the place I find myself. Logic be damned, I want my living child and I will feel incomplete until I hold him or her in my arms and take them home. Not that that will make everything all better, but walking around with a gaping piece of me missing (the one labelled 'mother') hurts. I'm more tired of that pain than I am the rest of the mess.

(by the by, if I seem more mood swingy than normal, I don't think it's unfair to attribute that to the anti-depressant weaning schedule that is fucking around with my body as well).

1 comment:

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