Sunday, February 21, 2010

Thanks, All.

First, apologies to anyone I led to believe that this would be a bfp post (it's not). I really have been trying to exercise self-restraint in light of the fiasco from last cycle. And today, Sunday, is only 9 or 10 dpo, depending on which method you use for interpretation. Even though the dip is nice, I wouldn't expect a positive yet. It takes a couple of days past implantation for there to be enough hcg to be detected and a little more time for it to be detectable in urine.

So, we'll have to wait. The only thing I'll say is that my opinion changes at least three times a day, and I hope I've not set myself up for disappointment.


Ok, wait, another confession. I had thought that this was timed to be my 500th post. Which is why I said last post it deserved it's own. I thought this would be a nice topic. But, um. A quick check of the actually posted posts (and not just the drafts) says that is actually not true. Today is 499.

Oops. I would have put it off another day but I've stretched it out too long as it is and then people would have thought I was playing coy, which would be rude and would probably set up a massive bfn disappointment.

Instead, in the penultimate to the 500th post, I wanted to note that I've received a couple of blog award over the last week or so.

Susan, of Once A Mom - Always A Mom, kindly gave me an award, which I saw and appreciated and am completely unable to reproduce here because I didn't do it immediately and cannot find the password to her blog. I am so terribly sorry, Susan, but still very honored.

Susan, also known as Tim'sWifey on thenest/bump, lost her sweet daughter Katie just a couple of weeks before I lost Gabriel, also just shy of viability. She has written openly and honestly on her blog about coping with her loss and also in a forum I have not had courage for - the bigger world of thebump. I find it so courageous to be able to return there and remain in the world of those trying to conceive and those already pregnant. It was something that I was entirely incapable of and now that I feel more in the headspace, something I find hard to do, as it is no longer accessible at work.

Thank you Susan for sharing with me. I am in awe of your resolution to find beauty and be cheerful in the face of such a loss. You have a sweetness which just pours from you, and it is a real blessing to others.

I also received an award from Diana of Diana wrote that she found my blog from Blair's blog when I lost Gabriel, and that she admired how I was able to post and get up and face it all.

Diana is (currently) a SAHM to her daughter, Bella, and gives a really honest look into the triumphs and troughs of staying at home. She tells stories in a great, funny way and cool giveaways now and again. (I will admit to having googled to try and figure out who the family mentioned in her recent posts was. That story was awesome)

Anyway. . .

I wanted to say thanks.

Thanks to Susan and Diana and thanks to you.

I often wonder why anyone reads this. I don't think I'm a particularly gifted writer, though I do try for a minimum of good spelling, grammar and ease/comprehension of reading.

But the subjects I've discussed . . . my vaginal secretions, the ridiculous things we say when we tire of sex marathons, the constant complaints about lots of things, and the frequent anger, sadness, despair and other negative emotions that poured out since Gabriel's birth. . . I wonder why anyone would read this.

And because I know my life, I know that I haven't been totally honest on here. I've hidden away a lot of sadness and a lot of anger since Gabe was born, because it was too personal to put into words. I know, after everything else, it's hard to imagine that there is something I'm not sharing, but it's true. There are days I simply haven't been able to bring myself to whinge about it again, and I guess I feel as I accuse others of feeling - that six months out is a long time, and possibly time to be over it. So I rarely talk about how I still cry and tear up, and how there are a lot of babies I can't be around.

I haven't talked much about how my relationships have been altered. The rule of thirds seems to have been accurate in my case. There were relationships irretrievably altered, and some that were altered but are mending. Some of them were my fault and some were not. I haven't talked about how much I have isolated myself. I never went out much before, I never did much with others, so it's only recently that I've really come to realize how insulated I've made myself and how little I am able to change it yet.

It's been a long time since I've posted about my sense of failure and my fear of failure in every pregnancy. I haven't talked much about how easily I've come to think of a future surrogate as our means to children. It's just something that seems so certain in the back of my mind, like asserting the sky is blue, that I don't need (yet) to talk about it. It just feels like we've got to keep trying on our own first.

Beyond that. Well, I often see how I am petty, and selfish, judgmental and arrogant. And I am in awe that more people don't likewise perceive me this way.

And I am in awe of all you for reading and continuing to read despite all of these things. I am in awe of your kindness and gentleness and support. I am in awe of your well-wishes and the genuine sincerity I feel behind them. I am in awe of your tolerance to allow me this space to explore what I need to, as I need to.

I have not said it enough, certainly not individually as I ought. So I hope you will take this almost-500th post to heart as a notice that I do appreciate everything you have given back to me through this blog. Your comments are all read, your emails are all read and appreciated (and I hope responded to!), your thoughts and prayers are almost palpable. I look forward to writing here, to sharing bits of my spirit with you.

And I humbled that you choose to read them. And moreso that anyone finds anything of value in them.

I thank you.


mtendere said...

I don't comment much, but I do read. I appreciate your willingness to share yourself with me and others.

Stephanie Snowe said...

I think you are a really beautiful writer and an even more beautiful person. Some of your writings about Gabe are the among the most beautiful, haunting things I've ever read. And I read a LOT.

Love you.

Ibis said...

I read your blog because you are thoughtful, articulate, and (though I suspect you would demur) wise. No one can be expected to be totally transparent even in a personal blog, but part of what makes yours worth reading is that nothing is sugar coated for consumption.

B said...

I really enjoy your blog. It's one of the most honest ones I've ever read.

(enjoy? i'm not sure that's entirely the right word... I feel the ups and downs with you, that's about the best way I can sum it up.)

six months doesn't sound long to me. not at all.