The Game is Afoot.

I hesitate to say it aloud, lest I jinx myself in the process, but I have reason to believe that ovulation did in fact occur yesterday, on cd 20. Which is not quite cd 18, the last day the soy was supposed to have caused ovulation, but is definitely two other things. One, it is well ahead of the usual ovulation. Two, it is within normal time-frames (10 to 21 days).

The temperature didn't go up as high as I would have liked, so I'm stuck waiting on tomorrow's temp. I hope it doesn't prove me a liar, but the ovarian pain which had been steadily growing worse (pressure, a swollen feeling, aching) over the previous day or so gave way to violently sharp pinching pains and then disappeared entirely. To be fair, I felt similar pains on the other side today, but either way, I think one (or both? Lord. No comment.) had to have been ovulation. It's startling how much more comfortable I am today than two nights ago. Other signs would seem to agree, as the cm started at ewcm today and is drying up and my cervix, which was high and open this morning is much lower and more closed this evening. And of course, a positive opk two days ago, with a negative yesterday and today.

So, one more night of sex (and I'd like to point out a new record which may well stand for years of 10 nights in a row), and then a blessed well-earned rest. I cannot express how frustrated I will be if ovulation has not occurred.

That aside, it's now time for my least favorite part of the cycle - the two week wait. And sadly, it may well be two weeks, since my luteal phase has been less than reliable lately and b6 can lengthen a luteal phase. This is the part that I should enjoy, because it's all entirely out of my hands at this point and has either happened or won't be happening. It's done now, the course, wherever it goes, is set. I won't know where it leads for another 10 days or so, and I despise that. I could reconcile myself to much, but I really loathe the guessing games I can't seem to avoid playing.

I'm feeling anxious and fragile right now. Filled with worry over whether or not we'll ever acheive pregnancy again and unable to get past all the obstacles to parenthood (of the living) that seem to be in our way. I was reduced to a hand on my abdomen today, begging and pleading for this to be it, for it to be real (like the Velveteen Rabbit, a voice asks with a sneer inside my head. The voice has no patience for romantic notions and foolish claptrap, I see). I want so badly to be pregnant again. To have something more than mist and air to hang my hope on.

Do you know that I looked at the cycle planner today on a whim? Can you imagine how my blood ran cold, despite the overheatedness of the room, when I saw that if I am not pregnant again and if I ovulate on a similar time-frame, that it will occur on the same fucking day as it occurred last year? That may be of limited significance until I tell you I ovulated on April 18 and Gabriel was conceived then. I have a hard enough time with the idea of the pregnancies being in similar timeframes, let along trying to comprehend being due on the same fucking day. Even if I know that I will deliver weeks early, it makes no difference to the state of mind.

For that reason alone, I am finding myself praying, reaching out in supplication and desperation and some anxiety and misery, for this cycle to work and remove that from possibility. For this to please, please work, and please God, let me be pregnant this time. Please, please, please. My nerves today feel so stretched and tense that I am uncertain how long this uncertainty and desire can continue.