My period started right on time this morning. So, thanks for that universe! I would have been pretty unhappy having to wait around and wonder, so that thanks is sincere, not sarcastic.
(though I stand by a previous statement that we shouldn't get our periods while trying to conceive, because it's just mean. An extra kick in the crotch, if you will. I think we should get nice things. Like diamonds and perfume and flowers. So instead of 'Not only are you NOT pregnant, you've just ruined your favorite pair of underwear and will have to wonder all day if anyone can tell you've bled through!', you get the much nicer 'Well, you aren't pregnant. However, as compensation for this disappointment, please have a lovely pair of matched pearl drop earrings on the universe!' Far better, imo.)
For being crampy and irritated, and a basket case, as you'll soon see, I'm in a truly spectacular mood.
Again, that is sincere and not at all sarcastic.
It's a beautiful day, and this last week of my third decade on Earth promises to be a fantastically gorgeous one, at least weather-wise. Because March was so unseasonably cold, the azaleas are all in bloom now, and soon we'll do our patio planting and it will be lovely.
But aside from that (and the fact I slept well last night and thus did not start the week in a grumpy heap of tired), I am in a good mood.
I think it has to do with The Plan - which DH refers to as the Soy Plot. It's a long story involving Guy Fawkes, V for Vendetta, Sherlock Holmes, and a winding conversation.
Anyhow. Since the temp drop this weekend, we've been going back and forth over whether or not to try and conceive this cycle. Because, well, ovulation is suggested to occur around April 18. Guess what I was doing on April 18 last year? If you guessed that I was conceiving my son, you'd be right. If you can further guess about how that might make someone as paranoid, superstitious and neurotic as me a little crazy, hats off. But I don't think it's just me. DH was equally ambivalent to make the mindfuck of another pregnancy even more of a mindfuck by sticking the same fucking due date and timelines on it.
I mean, why make something that will already be hard even harder mentally and emotionally, right?
I know, I know. To some extene I'm doing some cart/horsing here. Obviously, the odds of pregnancy occuring this cycle are precisely the same as the odds of pregnancy occuring any given cycle. There is nothing about this particular cycle, outside of a potential coincidence of dates to make it any different, really. And yet . . . and yet . . . 21 weeks is hard enough, without 21 weeks falling on Gabriel's birth date.
I have a feeling about this cycle. A compulsion and simultaneous aversion. A feeling of importance, maybe, is the way to describe it. All in my head, I'm sure, and yet . . . there again.
So, as I said, we've been back and forthe and around and around. In the end, my husband argued that there was no reason to be superstitious and no good reason to put off a cycle. And I argued with myself and admitted that I can't not chart, and as I will be charting, I will never be able to not try. But we've both agreed that too much focus on the calendar may make us a little crazy.
And God knows that I am fucking tired of ttc at this point. I'm annoyed, I'm irritated that I'm still trying, I'm disappointed as fuck. . . and I kind of need a bit of a break. But I know I can't convince myself to waste a month at this point, so now what I have to do is make it as painless as possible.
Having reached these conclusions (for the most part - we still vascillate a bit), we developed The Soy Plot. It goes like this:
1. Take the soy isoflavones again. Ovulation was moved up by 3-6 days, apparently. That's great. Another day or two would be better. So. Let's try moving the pills back to cd3-7, hoping that moves it up a day or so. I'm currently toying with the idea of increasing the dosage by another pill, but haven't really decided either way. I may compromise by increasing the last three days.
2. Drink the green tea until ovulation again. Actually, this has more to do with enjoying a cuppa in the afternoon than anything, but I like the insurance against any fertile cm problems.
3. Same ole vitamin cocktail. For all the other stuff. No reason to quit.
4. Exercise for a minimum of 20 minutes 2-3 times a week. I don't want to set myself up for failure here. This is a reasonable goal, imo. 30 minutes 3-4 times a week, or everyday, while laudable, isn't necessarily practical.
5. Have regular sex. And by that I mean - not when the mood strikes, or I'll get anxious. Not based solely on the microscope findings or cm, or I'll be anxious about whether or not I'm reading the signs correctly. Instead, we're going to go with a more militant and far less romantic approach. Starting on cd8, we'll have sex for three nights and then take a night off. That pattern will continue until ovulation is confirmed.
This should remove the stress of timing sex, of too much sex (though we may be tired by the end anyhow), give both of us a break while hoping to keep sperm levels a little higher and sperm as fresh as possible. It won't much matter what the cervical position is or what my cervical fluid is like - we're just going to have sex on the schedule. We hope that this will provide the emotional break I need. I know rigorously scheduled and timed intercourse doesn't sound all that great, but I think we can find ways to keep it interesting, and the pressure already feels a bit lower.
Why three days instead of every other day or every two days? Basically because that was the pattern I felt gave us the greatest coverage and the most flexibility. We have no sperm issues, and so every other day isn't necessary. Every two days would probably be ok, but three sounded like an acheivable, comfortable number to both of us. And it guarantees that we will cover 4 out of 5 prime dates around ovulation, whenever it occurs.
So we'll give it a shot. We've only done that once before, and it wasn't really enjoyable, but to be fair - that cycle was anovulatory. So there never ended up being an end in sight. We won't go beyond 5 cycles of this pattern, so if I don't ovulate by my normal time frame (without soy), then we will let it go and take a break. But I see no reason that we won't ovulate, so . . .
That's the plan! And now, I'm going to go show . . . the plan . . . to someone else. (who gets that reference?!)
As for what you can do to be part of the plan - well, not much. Nor would you want to, I think. However, should you find yourself board, please venture forth to my fertility friend homepage and take the ovulation poll. In this case, you won't be reviewing the chart for ovulation so much as predicting on which day you think it likely to occur. As it is anonymous, there is no prize for being right, though if you'd like to leave a guess here as well, you can do so. And then feel good about yourself, I guess. . . Still no prizes. Just a little something for fun to be cheerful about while my uterus claws its bloody way out of my body. I also have plans to randomly change my ticker, just because I can. (look at me, drunk with power!) So, you know, who doesn't want to keep an eye out for that?!
I hope everyone enjoys as lovely a day as we have had here in your area of the world; as for me, I've got to go take a walk around my complex.