A funny from my husband to share.

I've been so busy that I didn't even have time to go to the bathroom this morning. So when we were eating lunch, I was teasing him and I said dramatically, "And I haven't even been to pee yet! How will I know if I'm still fertile if I can't check what's happening with my fluid?!" He laughed and told me to go pee while he heated up our lunch.

I did, and of course checked my fluid and cervix. I had to check internally for fluid, but it was there. I washed my hands and returned and announced that I was indeed still fertile. He pretended wipe a sweaty brow with relief as I laughed. Then I told him that it's still a smaller amount than last cycle, but that I also hadn't had any water so I was probably dehydrated. Anyway, I had to go looking for the fluid (he's fascinated by me checking my cervix - he doesn't understand how it's physically possible), but I found it, and it's there inside where it counts.

Without missing a beat, he snapped back, "And that's what we'll teach our children, that it's inside where it counts."

I laughed so hard I hit my head on the wall and nearly fell off my chair.

*~*~*~*

In other news, we did get my temperature taken accurately this morning and we did have some pretty good sex last night. I'd waited until bedtime to bring it up, which we've learned doesn't work so well when we're tired (and I'm exhausted right now). But I was willing so we gave it shot. For awhile things were great, and then it came time for the big show and dh just couldn't maintain an erection. This has happened a couple of times now, and I expect it's pretty normal, but it was extremely frustrating. It is for him of course for obvious reasons, but there is an underlying fear that I'm not arousing to him or attractive enough for him and of course, if you are trying to conceive, that becomes an issue. He was upset, but I decided it didn't really matter, and just connecting and having a good time was important. So I kept at it and concentrated on him in ways I don't usually. Started giving him a blow job (which really doesn't happen much, because I have a terrible gag reflex and have thrown up on him in the past, which sort of kills the desire on both sides), and it all ended with some top 20 times sex, which was magnificent.

I think we're really doing a much better job this time at keeping it fun and loving and not letting it be a chore. It makes a world of difference. And it's making me really, really look forward to the trip in September!

Funny story.

I'm still totally frazzled at work and burning both ends without much to physically show for it and feeling very stressed out by everything.

So I'll focus on this morning.

Despite my stress and bad health habits, my cycle seems to be progressing ok, and I had watery cm two days ago and eggwhite yesterday. Because I went to be bed at 4:00 am Saturday morning, I didn't temp then and because of bad sleep, I had an open circle for Monday, so things have been sketchy. I emphasized to DH last night that we needed to take my temperature this morning. He agrees.

The alarm goes off. I'm resting at an awkward angle. Now, understand, DH takes my temp in the morning, because the bed is really tall and there is definite movement required to roll over, find the thermometer, reach it, take temp. Maybe not enough to matter, but I can't shut off the goddamned alarm clock to save my life without being awake and wearing corrective lenses, so it works for us (and he knows what the temps mean, so that's a bonus). So yeah, the alarm goes off.

Dh doesn't move. My arm is trapped in a weird way under my body and I'm beginning to reach consciousness. That annoys me, as I intend to sleep for another two hours. I hiss at Dh, who sits up, groans and comes over to turn off the alarm and take my temp. Only he can't find the thermometer. I'm not moving, but I am definitely awake and my arm is beginning to hurt.

He can't find it. At all. At this point, I'm cursing inside my head and am hurting. I know I'm not getting back to good sleep now. He finally turns on the overhead lights to look for it. Minutes are ticking away and I'm getting extremely cranky. It's all I can do not to yell at him about losing the damn thermometer. I mean, who loses a thermometer? Finally, I can't take it anymore. My blood pressure is up, I'm fully awake, I have to move (and pee) and there seems no end in sight.

No sooner do I say "Forget it. I'm getting up. Just fucking forget it." and swing my body around to relieve the pressure from my arm and stand up to go pee does he find it. Of course, it took fifteen minutes and totally waking us up . . . and it was too late at that point.

With the way my luck is going, I'll ovulate tomorrow.

At least now I can see some humor in the frantic thermometer search. From now on, it gets returned to my nightstand before the alarm gets set.

Feeling exhausted and frazzled.

I really hope I'm able to get enough sleep that I make it to this weekend intact, and then I am definitely going to pick up yoga and exercise or I'm going to stress out so much I'll delay ovulation.

I've been assigned to assist a department half-days. I work for the division office. I was hired with no background and they've used this position to train and transition people like me with no financial or HR background to the wonderful world of department business administration. It's ideal because the division office is large enough to qualify for a DBA, but much of it is actually handled by the administrative coordinator, so it gives me a chance to ease in and learn everything. And I learn at the division level, so that means I get the big picture and theoretically make fewer mistakes when I get my own department in a couple of years. And they have someone hand picked and trained in charge of one of their departments, theoretically leaving them time to focus on departments that require additional help and/or training.

Sending me over to help half-days is a win-win situation (in theory - has that come up enough yet?), because there are a lot of things that I don't get to do much at the division level that I will do a lot of in departments. Also because it helps out the departments when they need someone (when someone is out sick or there is an opening).

So one of our bigger departments finally requested some assistance. I was really nervous when I was told I would be going over there, because I'm still relatively new and this would be a bit of trial by fire for me. We knew that it was bad for the DBA to ask for help, but it wasn't unexpected. The DBA has missed 8 weeks in the past 4 months because of health issues and his financial assistant was bordering on incompetant who had finally left the position. My coworker walked over with me to help assess the situation and to introduce me. What we found was horrifying.

DBA gave me a rundown of what he most needs help with - invoices that are seriously past due, deposits of different kinds (cash, checks, gifts, credit cards). Well, I can do some of that, and I'm a quick learner. So he takes me into her office and shows me a tote bag and says that that is probably the place to begin. Most of the 'stuff' was in the tote bag. So if we start sorting, we'll find some of the receipts and invoices we need. There is literally a stack of paper 6 inches thick. I sit down and start sorting into roughly related piles (travel, purchase card, purchase reqs, invoices to be paid, to be checked, filing, etc).

I can't get into specifics of what I've uncovered, but I basically uncovered about 50 policy violations, some of them quite serious. Like, the DBA could be fired for being unaware of this activity. They've lost their purchasing ability for the time being and things are in crisis mode.

On top of that, I'm expected to maintain all of my own work and it was piled on before this stuff came up. I've worked late three days now and I'm really worried about getting everything done that needs to be done by tomorrow. I'm really starting to stress out a bit and feel crunched by everything.

Not helping today was the abysmal weather, a poor night's sleep and a terrible training (I am not 6. I do NOT need you to read your power point presentation - a copy of which you thoughtfully provided for later perusal - out lous to me VERBATIM.) I am so sleepy and my brain is going to stop functioning soon. I feel bone weary. It's satisfying in one way - I've earned my paycheck this week - but thoroughly exhausting and I worry about how this will affect my fertility. No biggie if I'm pregnant this cycle, but throwing things too far off could interfere with my vacation plans and I will be really angry if I'm having my period during our romantic week of sexy time. T0 ensure, as best I can, that that doesn't happen, I will take care to eat well, go to bed earlier and start practicing yoga, if not working out (which is what I need to do). I have to keep the stress levels as low as possible.

Irritable day.

Everything under the sun is irritating me this morning.

Went to bed later than I wanted after reading a less than satisfying book. Seriously, it was really bad. Ugh, it makes me mad now just thinking about it. Slept ok, but restlessly. Was awoken early by rain bands from the hurricane.

For whatever reason, every little thing DH was doing pissed me off. First, it was that he squeezed the toothpaste in the middle of the tube. DUDE, that is annoying and wasteful and leaves little marks. Then my bras disappeared. Since he was the last person to do laundry (which of course never includes putting laundry away, so it's in a giant pile by the bed, but naturally the skirt and shirt I wanted to wear are not there and have disappeared entirely from this planet), I asked him to come help look for one.

He finds one (where are the other 4 that were recently washed? I'm asking seriously here) and brushes his teeth. Then goes back downstairs and lays on the couch until I walk down. Never mind that I said we needed to hurry this morning. No, apparently it is necessary that he keep the dog company. Couldn't take his clothes down with him, nope. Have to go back upstairs. Then he started sneezing. I don't know why, but his sneezing makes me irritable, and this morning made me want to say hateful things. It's not like he can control this of course, but I think sometimes that annoys me.

Work is busy and I am feeling flustered. I'm going to be working half days with a department (I work in the division office, where they are training me to be a department administrator in the next couple of years) to get them sorted and caught up. It's a major mess over there. I'm glad they feel I can be useful (I've only been here 7 months, and there is much I don't know how to do or feel confident doing), and this will give me a chance to be trained to do stuff that I will do in a department that we don't really do at the division level. But it means cramming the rest of my work into a half day and struggling with another department's mess half-day. I feel stressed out.

Then today, a ton of people post their BFPs. I'm happy for them, really! But a couple of them were first cycle people and fresh off BC. It makes me sad for me. I mean, cycle #3 would be pretty lucky all things considered, and it's not like I'm infertile at this point. Just disappointed that I'm not there too. And irritated that it was so easy for them.

Like I said, very irritable today. And I'm going to be going round campus in the rain more than once today. Annoying.

Not much to say today.

It's a sort of holding pattern. Period is over. Too early to have conception sex (so we'll probably just have good old regular sex this week. that's a good thing!), or to wait on signs of ovulation. Probably be 2 weeks before that happens. Yeesh.

Suppose I need to get back to the gym. Feeling blah about my body with the regained weight. I can do better and did for a large part of last week. I just need to get back to what was working in January and February. Then I was really motivated to push through and lose weight. We went to the gym 5 times a week and I pushed hard. That motivation is completely gone and I can't seem to get it back.

I'm a bit ashamed. I felt way better then, I looked better then (even though the weight is lighter and the size is smaller), and I felt good about myself. Now I don't have as much energy, the fitness is draining away, and I am constantly beating myself up and falling into a cycle I've been through before that is destructive and self-abusive. It's a very insidious, corrosive thing - and I don't know how to get rid of it.

On one hand, it is as simple as getting up and doing it and making a choice in THIS moment to do it right. On the other hand, it's a constant, wearying, overwhelming battle and the vision of denial and cravings and pushing myself stretches before me with gruesome repetition. Over and over, all throughout the day - it is one choice, but there are a millions following it and I feel defeated by it.

Nevertheless, the more weight I lose, the healthier I will be and the healthier my pregnancy, whenever it happens, will be. I wanted to be under 275 before getting pregnant, and I'm at 308 right now. That's a ways to go. So I need to get back to working on it.

Finances are also bothering me. I fear we will never get our debt paid off, and while I think this trip is absolutely the right thing to do (knowing how it rejuvenated me and rekindled our sex life and made me feel reconnected to dh last year), I realized that we'll be wasting $1500 we could use towards debt or savings. And then I feel guilty and bad. We have to spend less money over all and we have to put it towards the debt and I am slacking on that. I am the one responsible. If I add up what I spend on Starbucks alone during the week . . . Ugh.

So I guess there was something to say. I guess I'm feeling more down than I realized. Only thing to do is to start doing better. I guess some days I'm really hoping for and looking for someone else to come in and clean it up for me. Clean my house, organize everything, give me spending money and a grocery list, and set up my schedule for me. Basically, some days, I'm looking for my mommy and I want to be a child again. All of this responsibility weighs on me and I wonder during these times if this isn't why I want my mom to watch our children, so I feel like I've got someplace soft to land for awhile. Long distance isn't the same thing, really. I don't think it's so much that we have growing up to do - we step up to our responsibilities and choices - but I do think about how I wish sometimes that we didn't have the responsibilities. I know that babies are the biggest responsibilities, but I also think that the rewards may be more visible. I hope so anyway, because questioning my future parenting skills now seems like an utter waste of energy at this juncture.

Getting excited about ttc again.

Now that the hormones have dropped off and the period is under control with a medium to light flow today (yesterday was really heavy and the first day was awful and crampy). I'm feeling much better and ready to go for this next cycle.

But mostly I'm really happy because Dh and I are taking a short trip for our anniversary. Well, right before our anniversary. We are going back home and staying at the same b&b we stayed at last year for our anniversary and where we stayed for our 'honeymoon'. The inn is really lovely, and the innkeeper is attentive and friendly and we enjoy it.

First I'm happy that Dh wants to go back because I wasn't sure he enjoyed himself as much as I did last year. I needed a break pretty badly, and it came at the perfect time. I know he had a good time, but I was afraid he was kind of bored. So I was sort of surprised that he was as enthusiastic as he was about going. I felt really reconnected to him and close to him during and after the trip and looking forward to that again just gladdens my heart and makes me feel like I'm brimming over with love and peace and joy.

Second, I'm happy because of the deal. Long story short, we've always stayed in the same room and once I got the vacation time approved, I booked the room online. I was expecting a confirmation last night, but instead got an email from the innkeeper that was apologetic, but let me know that they are doing renovations in September that include doing away with the suite we wanted and to please call him to discuss our options if we still want to stay at the inn. We had a lovely conversation about the changes they are having and he remembered us from last year. The short version is that he's going to hold a couple of suites for us, including the brand new super-suite they are furnishing right now for a couple of weeks. They are trying to get the new suite furnished and priced and update the website. Once they do that, we can look at the new suite and the newly upgraded suite and take our pick of them. And they will give us a discounted rate on the new suite for our patience and in exchange for feedback about the suite, since we've stayed there before and can compare! Wooo!

I think I really want to stay in the new suite, which is going to have at least a king size bed (important, since that's what we currently sleep in) and a kitchen and jacuzzi tub for 2 (WOOOO! I have long had fantasies of jacuzzi sex and would love to fulfill them. Apart from that, a nice huge tub for me to luxuriate in, since I can't take baths at home for the moment is THRILLING), etc. I am so over the moon about the trip - cannot wait to see the pics of the new suite and get everything settled.

I cannot wait for the trip, period. It's really going to be exciting and lovely. We'll drop off the dog with Dad and not tell anyone where we are staying, so we can get out of family obligations and just enjoy our time with each other.

And honestly, this is seriously improving my outlook on ttc - because if I don't get pregnant in the next two cycles - well, that's ok now. It means we can have champagne instead of sparkling cider and we can return to the winery we went to last year for another tasting and we can order a bottle of wine with our big dinner out and walk around the square being tipsy and holding hands and make out under the streetlight again (or wherever, you catch my drift).

If I am pregnant, well, it'll still be a kick-ass trip, just a more sober one!

But having something positive to look forward to as a result of being not pregnant is really helping me relax about ttc and lifting my spirits for the next cycle (or two). I may still experience disappointment, but having something else to focus on and be excited about and something to really look forward to is just making me feel uplifted. Well worth the money we'll spend.

Trying to be positive: Good things about not getting pregnant last cycle.

1. Another month to chip away at the debt.

2. Started getting eating back under control and exercise is next, so another month to lose what I've gained back, and maybe get under 300 lbs before pregnancy.

3. Another chance to get some good loving in.

4. No morning sickness in July heat!

5. Put off buying maternity clothes for awhile.

6. More time with just me and DH. That's something we'll never have again when we have kids. I'm trying to treasure it.

7. No hurry to clean out storage and the catch-all crap room!

8. A chance to work on some projects I may have to abandon when I get pregnant.

9. No rush to learn knitting in the round so I can make booties and hats. ; )

10. A chance to be able to tell my mom in person when I do get pregnant.

Cycle #3.

So the spotting stopped. I took a test, it was negative. The spotting started again, and my period arrived overnight.

That means cycle #3 has started. Hopefully this one will be lucky 'third time is a charm'. I'm too hormonal and crampy and tired to get very optimistic about it though. Maybe next week.

Edited to add:

Cramps? Can fucking blow me. I took some Advil, so I hope it helps but I am feeling like I've been put through a ringer. So tired and crampy. Hormonal, depressed (but I can tell it's hormonal, if that makes sense).

Some changes at work are making me really unhappy. No more jeans on Fridays or holidays, no more capris, no t-shirts, no flip-flops. SUCK.

OMFG, you have GOT to be kidding me -- or -- the saga continues.

So. On the way home yesterday, I had some serious cramps in my abdomen. Very sharp, pokey cramps, low abdomen/uterus area. Like, double over in pain and breathe through clenched teeth for a few minutes bad. Then they went away.

I've also had bad nausea and heartburn. Annoying.

So I decided, what the hell, I'll take another test, I haven't peed in 4 hours.

Aaaaaannnnnnnddd, there was a line. Within the 10 minute window. But very faint. Very, very faint. Like a shadow. So faint I could not tell for certain whether or not there was color. But I could see it and Dh could too. I took apart the test well after the time limit and saw very, very, very faint color (not that it meant anything, since it was past the time limit and I'd opened it, but it made me feel better).

I took another (two) with the same urine and got a similar very faint line. And a negative. I held my urine for three hours, and took another test and it was negative.

Waited until this morning, took a test. Negative. Took another with the same urine and got a similar faint line as last night. Like, I would probably call it a negative, but there was something there, on three different tests. Sigh. I feel a little full and heavy and have light cramps. Boobs are way better, by the way.

I go to the bathroom, and what do I find? Spotting. Not quite a flow, but heavy. I think, what.the.fuck? My period should be here Thursday and this is the kind of spotting I have hours before full flow. I know that your LP can vary by a day either way, but mine never has. I feel disgruntled and angry, and sad about the finality.

I return to the bathroom, and there is NOTHING. A little bit of brown and that's it. So what the hell was it? As I said, I've never experienced spotting like that that slowed and didn't lead to my period shortly thereafter. For there to be nothing . . . I mean. I know it's possible. I know it's likely that I am going to get my period tonight or tomorrow. But what the hell?

Did we really need to drag it out and add all the confusion and drama? (shut up, I know I created a lot of the drama with early testing, I'm ignoring that fact in this rant, thanks) Why?

Just to end this, I'm picking up a FRER on the way home, which I will take tonight if my period doesn't show up in full force. If it does, well, that's answered and it's one less test I need to buy next cycle when I restock.

UGH. Let's end this, please (though if it is still possible to end with a pregnancy this cycle, I'd really love that).

Update: Fuck You Universe.

CRAMPS? CRAMPS? Really?

Come on now. That's just mean.

AF is due 13 dpo/cd 1.

Today is 10 dpo.

That makes you a bitch who can't add correctly. Get a fucking calculator, try again and come back on Thursday when you are supposed to be here. Stop trying to mess with my head and pretend this could be a later implantation or something other than the universe fucking with me. Since the bitchiness has arrived, I am NOT in the mood.

Where the fuck is my chocolate? I'm definitely cracking open the bottle of white from our anniversary trip that has been sitting in the fridge chilling since October.

BFN.

Well, that's that, I expect. I know the stats, that only 35% of pregnant women get positives at 10 dpo. So, theoretically, I could still yet get a positive. But if I do, it's entirely unrelated to whatever I saw or imagined Saturday night. I guess that was a flukey test or overactive imagination, because I got several negatives yesterday and this morning I had wonderfully concentrated urine and two more BFNs. Even my husband's gut feeling is wavering and I am firmly back in the 'not pregnant' stance.

I'm a little sad (and angry about the painful boobs - can't that at least be showing for something?), but I'll spend today getting mentally ready to move on. Our timing wasn't great and ttc wasn't as fun this cycle, so I can concentrate on diet and exercise and losing weight until the next time, when I will spring new lingerie and interesting suggestions for sex (before the dog gets out) at my unsuspecting husband.

Do I sound ok? I'm trying to put up a good front of cheerfulness for DH. I mean, I'm hardly devastated by no success in two cycles, but I am disappointed at the certainty that I will be at least 29 before I have any children, and therefore in my thirties when I have at least 2 (possibly 3) children. That's not a bad thing, mind you, just not how I pictured things working out. So I'm disappointed and trying to come to terms with it.

The good thing is that I am happy right now, and I love my life overall, so even if things didn't go the way I hoped/planned - what has resulted is pretty good anyway. And isn't that just about the best you can hope for?

A Cautionary Tale: And this, children, is why we don't take pregnancy tests early.

So. Yesterday was 8 dpo. I was thinking, "Yeah, it's early. Way too early. I mean, only 35% of pregnant women get positive tests at 10 dpo, which is two days from now, which means the odds of me getting a positive test are really low; probably worse than my odds of conception this cycle."

You'd think that stern, logical talk I gave myself would snap sense into me, but alas, this is a cautionary tale, so naturally, the illogical side responded with, "Yeah, but plenty of people have gotten positives this early, and you said yourself you had that strange cramping and if it was related to implantation, then it may not be too early to tell after all. Oh, and neener neener neener!"

So what I do? Naturally I wait for my husband to leave to go with his friends and ready myself for a quiet night of pirating my neighbor's unsecured wireless internet connection since the grounds crew cut our cable line. I look at the clock while the battle rages in my head (and is excessively juvenile - the mental equivalent of a food fight at this point - clear evidence the illogical side is winning) and note that it's coincidentally been about 3 hours since I last peed. And I ate dinner, but didn't really drink too much by way of liquids, so many I should go ahead and pee. In a cup. For scientific purposes. To see if I'm getting adequate hydration, yeah, hydration, that's the ticket!

My urine is actually kind of dark, so that scientific question is answered in a scientific way, but now I have a glass of urine sitting on my counter. Well, hey, by this point, the juvenile illogical side has strung the underwear of the logical side up the flag pole and is getting drunk on light beer it smuggled out of the camp counselor's room while the counselor was making out with the rival camp's counselor. So I pull out my trusty $tree tests and decide to have a go.

Nine minutes later I am frowning at what appears to be a very faint line. And when I say faint, I'm not referring to the digustingly clear pics that people seem to put on the nest for interpretation, I mean faint as in that could be a shadow where the antibody strip is or it might be my imagination.

It's now over 10 minutes past and the result is definitely reading negative by any standards, but I'm still curious about that faint line. Cause I really believe I could see it, you know? I sternly remind myself that it's probably only because I've seen so many tests and can look at a blank one and usually pick out the antibody strip, but then the drunkards shove the logical one in the broomcloset and lock them in. Logical one is weeping with vexation while the drunkards urge me to take a closer look.

I turn on the lamp, and take a closer look. I can clearly see a shadowy line where the antibody strip is. It's very faint but defined. So naturally, I take the test apart to see it better. I mean, what else could I do but give in to peer pressure?

And when I do this (I would just like to point out this was all in the interests of satisfying scientific curiousity, since the test read negative at the time limit and was already invalid), I notice the faintest trace of pink in the line imaginable. Really, it was there, but only if you sort of angle it the right way. . .

I used the same urine for two more tests. One clear negative (only in my scientific interest, I bastardized that test before I took it and to be frank, it was cool to watch) and one more shadowy negative but enough to get my heart pounding inconclusive test.

I held my urine for three more hours and repeated the process. Again, negative, this time no trace of shadowy lines. Now I'm much more annoyed with the fact my husband isn't home yet. I did get a call on time saying he would be late, but I didn't realize how late late would be. I hold my urine for three more hours, but I have had things to drink and it's paler than I would normally like to test with. This does again yield the same shadowy line. I go to bed now, husband is finally home and awake at 7:30 needing badly to pee (guess the coke caught up with me). It's been five hours since the last test, but I'm bursting. I'm also tired and not wearing my glasses so I quietly pee in a cup and test without paying much attention. It's negative, but if I squint really hard I can pretend there is a shadow line there.

I have to pee again at 8:30 and this is a long pee lasting forever (uh, didn't I just pee an hour before and go back to sleep? Must be the all the light beer the juvenile side of me was drinking, which also explains the headache and vague nausea, since in real life I drank only Coke Zero). When I finally get up for good, I'm horrified to see that the first morning urine I used was extremely dilute, very pale lemon pulp color. Well, no wonder it's negative.

Oer breakfast I tell my husband about the possibly maybe but probably not pee-stick adventure and he reiterates his belief that I am pregnant. I am kinda leaning that way too (so much for neutrality), but refuse to get excited.

I have not yet been able to hold my urine without drinking for it to acheive a good concentration (although I tried, really, I did) for accurate test results yet today. I've had one more shadow line and my tests from last night (YES, I KNOW they are invalid) have faint but visible pink lines. I'm hopeful that I get an actual clear result in the next two days. Ok, I mean a clear positive result. Otherwise, by this time next week when I am dealing with cramps and bleeding, I'm going to feel really stupid on top of it.

So, the moral of my long story? Early testing really does provide the opportunity to get back unclear results and cause a bit of stress. If I could only just say it was negative, it'd be much easier, but there have been definite enough shadow lines to think that maybe something is up after all. Now I am driving myself mad with shadow lines and holding it and second guessing.

So there you are kids - don't try this at home unless you too are willing to end up like the crazy pee stick lady!

OUCH.

Ok, I am feeling pain. My boobs are killing me. It's very ouchy. Granted, I usually have sore and tender breasts in the luteal phase. That's fine. Granted, I've been wearing a bra style the last couple of days that is supportive, but can result in soreness after too many hours. But today, I wore my my comfortable, stretchy, forgiving sleep bra and they are worse than ever. SO painful. Achey, sore, tender. Crossing my arms hurts and so does where my chair has been hitting my desk. I know that sound weird, but it's easier to type when my chair is set lower.

Ugh.

And the cramps. I've been getting cramps down low in my abdomen. Not terrible, until yesterday when I had some sharp cramps on and off for about two hours, repeat again today. I'm reminding myself that it is probably a function of not drinking enough water, as I took my cup home from work and forgot to bring it back. It's hard to not be hopeful though. I don't want to be disappointed.

DH continues to say he thinks this cycle is a yes. I'm trying to remain neutral and sit on my hands rather than start peeing on sticks too early. It's not easy. Maybe I should pee on a stick early at 7 dpo. The inevitable BFN might knock some sense into me.

Rough day yesterday.

Ouch.

The morning was awful. DH was taking an aptitude test that he had to pass to interview with this company for a new job. It would be totally fantastic, because the job is a good fit for him, the company is good, the pay would be about $6K more a year, great benefits, etc. and the company is close to home for us so he could take the bus and/or dropping him off wouldn't be a problem (we commute together now).

Everything that could go wrong in advance of this test seemed to go wrong. We ended up running around and getting all flustered, and while I got him there on time, I was an hour late to work. Fortunately, my boss was really laid back about it. I was all proud of myself for not getting too worked up over it and just accepting it didn't work out the way we'd hoped but that it wasn't a big deal in the end since we were alive, healthy and happy. A couple of years ago it would have sent me into a rage or into tears. So, big step forward. DH was really happy about me helping him out and walked out feeling really confident about the test. He sounded happy and upbeat.

And then two hours later, he got an email telling him he did not receive a passing score for the position he applied for (he doesn't know what his score was or what the requirement for his position was). He was seriously upset.

Like - it made me flashback to when he tried to kill himself upset. Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't think he was in immediate harm or would try anything like that. When he attempted suicide, he was seriously depressed and he is not in that condition anymore. But I get over-protective, because I feel like I should have been able to know and prevent the previous attempt, and I didn't and couldn't. Additionally, he's my rock. He's the even keeled one who generally has perspective and keeps his wits about him, so for him to be so upset really frightened me. I rushed home to be with him, because I felt so panicky and needed so badly to touch him and assure myself he was ok.

He said he felt worthless, and that he was a failure as a husband and provider and that he was stupid (the test was supposed to be eighth grade math and logic and he's taken and passed college-level calculus and logic). He said he was at fault for failing to finish college and was holding us back and keeping us in debt, and blah blah blah.

It was supremely frustrating and I understand better how he feels when I get a mood like this. You want to stop the hurt and make it all better and get your partner to understand that a) none of that stuff is true and b) even if it were, it wouldn't matter because you love them. And nothing you can say matters, because it's all about self-loathing and hatred. I just kept telling him I loved him and was proud of him and it would be ok.

It's not totally better. He's still feeling down and unhappy. He can retest in 90 days, and we may spend some time going over stuff to better prepare him. I'm going to try and get him to apply for some other stuff in the meantime, but not pressure him too soon. I don't care if he continues to work where he's at, but the pay isn't great and he's pretty bored. I know he would feel a lot better about himself overall if he were in a different job that challenged him and made him feel more like a provider (I make nearly twice what he does right now). We'll see how it all goes, but he sounds a lot more like himself and I'm grateful for that.

He is the kindest, funniest, most wonderful man in the world and deserves only wonderful things. I love him beyond anything else in this world, including myself.

On the ttc front, there is really nothing to report. No symptoms at all, other than some cramping, bloating and sore boobs. It's funny because last cycle I had every symptom under the sun - severe dog nose, very sore breasts, odd cramping - you name it, I had it. I really truly thought I was pregnant. DH kept saying I wasn't. Well, this time, it's the reverse. No real symptoms to overanaylze (I'm not wasting time on the cramps this time), and not feeling as positive as I probably should and DH is pretty sure this time did it. There is one tiny part of me that is whispering in my head that a bunch of women have phantom symptoms in BFN cycles and no symptoms in BFP cycles and I should listen to DH. But I'm remaining neutral and trying to resist the urge to pee on sticks until after this weekend. Well, I'm sure I will pee on one this weekend, but I like peeing on things, so. . . yeah.

I was right!

And freaking FF was wrong!

I had some sharp, pinching cramps around my right ovary on Friday that lasted for about 20 minutes and then no more cramps. I thought - aha! Ovulation?! CM starting drying quickly, from the slippery, lube-like stuff to thicker ew. Bordering on creamy by the time I went to bed. Cervix dropped and was closing. I thought woo-hoo! Temp went up to 97.3 - .3 above the highest temps in the past week.

And suddenly, FF is telling me I am 4 dpo. Whaaa? Huh? I look, and realize they are taking the gradual climb in temps from 96.8 to 96.9 to 97.0 to be a slow rising post-O temp, despite the cm and cp data. I felt grumbly about that.

Of course, two more high temps later, FF has agreed with me and changed it back to O on cd 22 (same date as last cycle, incidentally, meaning another 34 day cycle if I'm not pregnant). Still have dotted lines, but another couple of days should seal it up.

As for pregnancy chances - not feeling confident this cycle. I really did last cycle, and thought this could be it! This cycle, though we did ok for timing, I'm just not feeling confident. I am kind of thinking I need to get back to more focus on weight loss and let ttc come as it may. I'm sure this will all change in four or five days, as I near the point I could possibly test early. I know I shouldn't, but I expect I will. Then I expect I'll get more anxious. Or maybe not. I was pretty calm about ovulation this cycle, and about our sex timing. I didn't push the issue too much, so maybe that will carry through all the way.

In other news - make an appointment at Discount Tire for anything you need done. They had my bolt removed, tire repaired, valve replaced, tires balanced and pressure checked in less than 15 minutes because I had an appointment this morning. Awesome. I didn't even have to call in late to work (that bolt was HUGE).

Of course that awesomeness was balanced by spilling my coffee all over myself. I reek of coffee and I'm a walking coffee stain. Again, awesome, but in a totally different and depressing way. Sigh.

96.9, friends.

Whew! It went up! Whooooo! That's very exciting for me personally, as you can see.

In related fertility news - crampiness around my ovaries has been coming and going and increasing in intensity. It's gone currently. I hope I ovulate soon. I'm really ready to get to the 2ww. I just keep thinking about the anovulatory cycle I had cycle before last and won't feel really comfortable until after ovulation. We had some really terrific sex last night, and will try again tonight. I can't really complain about our timing! I do hope this all comes together for something soon though, because this week+ gets tiring. And because I want children obviously.

That's funny, I just stopped myself from typing baby instead of children. It's a distinction I am becoming more and more inclined to make regularly. Obviously I want a baby - that's the idea behind the ttc gig. But I want more than a baby - I want pregnancy, labor and delivery, late nights, spit up, diapers, crawling, walking, talking children that I raise to be good, level-headed, happy adults. Baby is just a very tiny, limited portion of that. And these days, when I hear people say that they want a baby - the immediate image conjured in my mom involves temper tantrums and teenagers - think nearly any of the girls on The Baby Borrowers. I'm not just looking for cute and giggly and smiley and loving - I want it all (though, please note I do not anticipate relishing broken sleep and screaming children).

I had an odd reaction to The Baby Borrowers last week. I mean, I had the same desire to slap sense into most of these girls (and a couple of the boys) that most people did, but I also felt an overwhelming calm and sense of - "Yeah - exactly, this is what I want!" I really want to have a child with my husband and see him grow and watch our love expand. There is so much that I want to share with and teach our children - it's such an amazing world out there, you know?

Hello again.

96.8 yet again. That's three days in a row. It's really weird and I don't like it. I need to test the thermometer again, I think. Will do when I get home.

Today is the sixth day of fertile fluid and high soft cervix. Even if I want to be seriously strict about interpretations and say the first day or two didn't count because they were more in-between than clear (FF says to record the most fertile or wet fluid for the day, where previously I recorded the average for the day), it's 5 days now. I'm a bit tired of this. Grateful we can get in another round of sex and minutely increase our chances (or at least tell ourselves that our timing was as good as possible), but tired of this phase of waiting to ovulate.

Sex has been more of a chore this time, and I know it's because we've both been tired and we've waited too late in the evening. Tonight I will not repeat that mistake. The dog will simply stay crated until we have sex. He's done it before, and he'll be fine. The problem is that once the dog is let out of his crate, DH feels bad for him. I understand, I do to! I know he loves his crate, and mostly curls up and sleeps, but it's a long time to be confined in a box (even if the box is a good three times bigger than it needs to be). Dh wants to let him roam free and get some energy out. Then it's dinner time. Then the dog gets crated again. Then he has to be let out again, and my show is on television and suddenly it's 11:00 and neither of us particularly wants to have sex, but we give it a go anyway. Usually it works out ok in the end and we get into it - but who wants to have sex when they aren't in the mood and who wants to have sex with someone who clearly isn't in the mood? It's possibly a bigger blow to the ego than being out-right rejected.

So yeah, I'm tired of the waiting game, and tired in general. I will make tonight more fun and make sure we are doing this while we have energy for it will go a long way. Also, I am shutting off the computer early (I'm working on a badly written story) and go to bed early. Maybe when I wake up, my temp will be something else (possible indicating ovulation? I can hope!).