Monday, July 21, 2008

Not much to say today.

It's a sort of holding pattern. Period is over. Too early to have conception sex (so we'll probably just have good old regular sex this week. that's a good thing!), or to wait on signs of ovulation. Probably be 2 weeks before that happens. Yeesh.

Suppose I need to get back to the gym. Feeling blah about my body with the regained weight. I can do better and did for a large part of last week. I just need to get back to what was working in January and February. Then I was really motivated to push through and lose weight. We went to the gym 5 times a week and I pushed hard. That motivation is completely gone and I can't seem to get it back.

I'm a bit ashamed. I felt way better then, I looked better then (even though the weight is lighter and the size is smaller), and I felt good about myself. Now I don't have as much energy, the fitness is draining away, and I am constantly beating myself up and falling into a cycle I've been through before that is destructive and self-abusive. It's a very insidious, corrosive thing - and I don't know how to get rid of it.

On one hand, it is as simple as getting up and doing it and making a choice in THIS moment to do it right. On the other hand, it's a constant, wearying, overwhelming battle and the vision of denial and cravings and pushing myself stretches before me with gruesome repetition. Over and over, all throughout the day - it is one choice, but there are a millions following it and I feel defeated by it.

Nevertheless, the more weight I lose, the healthier I will be and the healthier my pregnancy, whenever it happens, will be. I wanted to be under 275 before getting pregnant, and I'm at 308 right now. That's a ways to go. So I need to get back to working on it.

Finances are also bothering me. I fear we will never get our debt paid off, and while I think this trip is absolutely the right thing to do (knowing how it rejuvenated me and rekindled our sex life and made me feel reconnected to dh last year), I realized that we'll be wasting $1500 we could use towards debt or savings. And then I feel guilty and bad. We have to spend less money over all and we have to put it towards the debt and I am slacking on that. I am the one responsible. If I add up what I spend on Starbucks alone during the week . . . Ugh.

So I guess there was something to say. I guess I'm feeling more down than I realized. Only thing to do is to start doing better. I guess some days I'm really hoping for and looking for someone else to come in and clean it up for me. Clean my house, organize everything, give me spending money and a grocery list, and set up my schedule for me. Basically, some days, I'm looking for my mommy and I want to be a child again. All of this responsibility weighs on me and I wonder during these times if this isn't why I want my mom to watch our children, so I feel like I've got someplace soft to land for awhile. Long distance isn't the same thing, really. I don't think it's so much that we have growing up to do - we step up to our responsibilities and choices - but I do think about how I wish sometimes that we didn't have the responsibilities. I know that babies are the biggest responsibilities, but I also think that the rewards may be more visible. I hope so anyway, because questioning my future parenting skills now seems like an utter waste of energy at this juncture.

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