Thursday, July 10, 2008

Rough day yesterday.


The morning was awful. DH was taking an aptitude test that he had to pass to interview with this company for a new job. It would be totally fantastic, because the job is a good fit for him, the company is good, the pay would be about $6K more a year, great benefits, etc. and the company is close to home for us so he could take the bus and/or dropping him off wouldn't be a problem (we commute together now).

Everything that could go wrong in advance of this test seemed to go wrong. We ended up running around and getting all flustered, and while I got him there on time, I was an hour late to work. Fortunately, my boss was really laid back about it. I was all proud of myself for not getting too worked up over it and just accepting it didn't work out the way we'd hoped but that it wasn't a big deal in the end since we were alive, healthy and happy. A couple of years ago it would have sent me into a rage or into tears. So, big step forward. DH was really happy about me helping him out and walked out feeling really confident about the test. He sounded happy and upbeat.

And then two hours later, he got an email telling him he did not receive a passing score for the position he applied for (he doesn't know what his score was or what the requirement for his position was). He was seriously upset.

Like - it made me flashback to when he tried to kill himself upset. Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't think he was in immediate harm or would try anything like that. When he attempted suicide, he was seriously depressed and he is not in that condition anymore. But I get over-protective, because I feel like I should have been able to know and prevent the previous attempt, and I didn't and couldn't. Additionally, he's my rock. He's the even keeled one who generally has perspective and keeps his wits about him, so for him to be so upset really frightened me. I rushed home to be with him, because I felt so panicky and needed so badly to touch him and assure myself he was ok.

He said he felt worthless, and that he was a failure as a husband and provider and that he was stupid (the test was supposed to be eighth grade math and logic and he's taken and passed college-level calculus and logic). He said he was at fault for failing to finish college and was holding us back and keeping us in debt, and blah blah blah.

It was supremely frustrating and I understand better how he feels when I get a mood like this. You want to stop the hurt and make it all better and get your partner to understand that a) none of that stuff is true and b) even if it were, it wouldn't matter because you love them. And nothing you can say matters, because it's all about self-loathing and hatred. I just kept telling him I loved him and was proud of him and it would be ok.

It's not totally better. He's still feeling down and unhappy. He can retest in 90 days, and we may spend some time going over stuff to better prepare him. I'm going to try and get him to apply for some other stuff in the meantime, but not pressure him too soon. I don't care if he continues to work where he's at, but the pay isn't great and he's pretty bored. I know he would feel a lot better about himself overall if he were in a different job that challenged him and made him feel more like a provider (I make nearly twice what he does right now). We'll see how it all goes, but he sounds a lot more like himself and I'm grateful for that.

He is the kindest, funniest, most wonderful man in the world and deserves only wonderful things. I love him beyond anything else in this world, including myself.

On the ttc front, there is really nothing to report. No symptoms at all, other than some cramping, bloating and sore boobs. It's funny because last cycle I had every symptom under the sun - severe dog nose, very sore breasts, odd cramping - you name it, I had it. I really truly thought I was pregnant. DH kept saying I wasn't. Well, this time, it's the reverse. No real symptoms to overanaylze (I'm not wasting time on the cramps this time), and not feeling as positive as I probably should and DH is pretty sure this time did it. There is one tiny part of me that is whispering in my head that a bunch of women have phantom symptoms in BFN cycles and no symptoms in BFP cycles and I should listen to DH. But I'm remaining neutral and trying to resist the urge to pee on sticks until after this weekend. Well, I'm sure I will pee on one this weekend, but I like peeing on things, so. . . yeah.

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