Friday, May 8, 2009

Crazy Lady Coming Through

Clear the roads! Clear the roads!

I am feeling like a wreck today. Terrible mood swings all over the place, super emotional, on the verge of tears.

I'm told this is normal, though I don't recall this with the other pregnancies (maybe I should just take it as a good sign). I know it's also that I was reading through the Mayo Clinic Guide to Pregnancy last night.

It talked about the development that should be happening now as I enter 5 weeks/week 6. It talked about all the layers - what became the forming placenta, the amniotic sac, the layers that form the embryo and what each layer becomes. It said that around 21 -22 dpo, a rudimentary hearts starts beating and moving blood through the primative cardiovascular center and later this week other organs, including the brain start developing. All I could think was - that's Saturday. Saturday is 21 dpo. That's tomorrow. This is when Chickadee stopped growing. That heart never formed and nothing happened and I walked around thinking I was pregnant for four more weeks.

I'm so scared that there is nothing happening in there right now. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. This thing I have no control over is happening right now - a heart is forming and preparing to beat - or it's not. I don't know if I can face it again. I don't know if I can handle another loss. So far, everything has been perfect, even better than perfect. But all I can do is think about this little chicken's heart and pray it starts beating.

I feel like I'm going slowly insane. Terrified one moment, happy the next. On the verge of big tears one moment, looking at cute clothes the next. I'm afraid to talk too much about the baby, like I might jinx everything. I make sex predictions, then fear I've ruined it all. I vomit and feel relieved and remember all the symptoms meant nothing before. I feel only vaguely nauseated and instead of being relieved, I feel the cold clutch of fear around my heart. So overwhelming. I wish I could just go to bed and be woken up after the u/s in two weeks to be told what has happened.

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