Thursday, May 28, 2009

Very bad, no good, awful sort of day.

First, I slept pretty well through the night and didn't have to get up to pee until about 5 am. You would think that might not be a bad thing, but it's really not good when you are freaking paranoid like me.

Add to that that the boob soreness has severely decreased, though they are still sore when pressed and seem as large as ever, and you have one crazy lady starting to really freak out over whether or not she is still pregnant.

I know. Symptoms come and go. A lot of women report that the boob soreness tapers off in the first tri. I learned this morning that the insomnia got better for a surprisingly large number of women around 7-8 weeks. But in the midst of panic, it doesn't much matter, you know?

All I could think was that the symptoms also went away with Chickadee, and maybe this is a sign that this pregnancy too is doomed. And then the crazy thoughts really started pouring out. Crazy thoughts like . . . I don't have a firm feeling towards boy or girl so clearly my mother's intuition is picking up that there is no baby. That I was feeling scared and fearful with Chickadee and if I'm feeling that again now, it must mean something is wrong with the little chicken. I had one wild thought (that I quickly dismissed as I would never ever do this) that maybe I could get another u/s if I pretended I had spotting.

It is terrifying and upsetting and I hate it. I don't want to be this way and I don't know how to make it stop. I have every reason to believe things are on course, because things have been so good to this point. Because there was a h/b, which is further than before. Because there are good odds and everything has been good to this point.

And on top of that, I started vomiting while brushing my teeth. It was bad, reach down into your intestine vomiting and whatever I threw up didn't go well with the taste of the toothpaste. And when we left, I remembered that I needed crackers, and we turned around. Two seconds after pulling into our carport, I started vomiting again and that went on for about 15 minutes. And it was terrible.

And the nauseated feelings didn't leave from that, and I felt that way I dry heaved into the trashcan a few times. I ate saltines. I didn't feel well until about 3 and that lasted for about an hour.

Now, that is very reassuring, but the crazy lady that lives in my head took over and I somehow decided that I might just be psychosomatically inducing this symptom.

So, as you see, I am insane. It's difficult to type through the straitjacket, but I'd do anything for my readers! Seriously though . . . I'm feeling emotionally better/more stable, but as days go, this one was pretty bad. I know there is nothing that will make me more calm but time, and that stressing myself out doesn't help anything. It's just hard right now. I feel like crap and when I don't feel like as much shit as I did a few hours or days ago, it triggers a lot of fear and paranoia. Feeling like shit 24.7 and feeling nauseated 24.7 and the now daily vomiting is taking a real toll on me. And the emotional fragility of my situation is wearing thin as well and combine them like today . . .

. . . and we have a no good, very bad, terribly awful sort of day. I will hope I pee twice tonight and sleep like crap and feel better tomorrow, I guess.


Nlvaden said...

I know what you mean about the signs going away. If I were you, I would get another u/s JUST to be sure. For your own sanity.

notsosmallfries said...

I hope you're up peeing a lot tonight, too.