Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sorry I'm so boring.

I really don't have a lot to talk about and I don't want my posts to just be long-winded whinging about how miserable pregnancy is, so I haven't posted much.

It's not to say that pregnancy is totally miserable or that I am, but I'm having a rough time coping with some aspects of it. I feel awful saying that too, because I wanted this so badly and I know at least 20 women off the top of my head who would probably deal with this m/s with a smile the entire time to be where I am right now. If you are one of them, I apologize.

I didn't know that pregnancy fatigue and insomnia were both possible. It's so bizarre. I'm nodding my head by 8:30 and by 10:00, I'm usually in bed. I fall asleep for a couple of hours and then scattered, vivid dreams leave me half-awake. By the time I get up to pee for the night, as I do most every night, sometimes more than once, I can't sleep well again. It leaves me feeling more exhausted than I should. It seems naps are the only way I feel really rested and then only when it's possible to take them - which means sick days and weekends.

The nausea comes and goes, but has been really bad again the last couple of days. Often it's just enough to make me feel icky and turn me off any food that is in reach, at which point it gets worse. My diet is total crap and I know it, but the thoughts of most fruits and vegetables is so gag-inducing, I just can't bring myself to try. I am trying to drink more though, so there is some representation out there. Today, I vomited nothing for 20 minutes. It was awful, my stomach still hurts and blah. I've had a chicken biscuit and some Pringles today (to be fair, I returned to bed for 4.5 hours in there over lunchtime). So very healthy, clearly. I find myself frustrated by it. I don't cope well with nausea. I don't want to make it out like it's worse than it is, but it's by far worse than I've had in any other pregnancy. I know there are people who have tougher times. I'm not even vomiting every day, just wishing I could. But I feel so guilty for not eating well and not exercising (moving around makes the nausea much, much worse). I feel like a fat slob who is using pregnancy as an excuse to eat junk I wasn't really eating before hand and ignoring good, healthy foods and shunning exercise.

I know if I'm being honest that I can't eat much more than I'm eating between textures and smells and immediate gag reactions I can't control. But I guess I should try harder to get more variety in there and be healthier.

There is a lot of guilt right now. I called in sick today. I was in no shape to go in, truly. If I hadn't been pregnant and felt that way, like the second day after a violent food poisoning attack, I would have stayed home, guilt-free. But I fear my boss thinks I'm making excuses and I know it looks bad to call in sick after a holiday weekend, and I know my mediocre performance review is causing some guilt in there too (even though my 'health problems' were not an issue and my boss even commended my focus on work despite them). I think I have a decent enough track record of not calling in when I'm not sick and not calling in around holidays that my boss doesn't think poorly of me, but I still feel guilty.

And I still experience a good amount of fear. It's been almost a week since my u/s and I still have moments of total panicky OMG, is this for real-ness happening. Doing things like buying mat clothes or telling people make me very nervous, but so far, nothing tragic seems to be happening. And having sore boobs and nausea go a long way to reassuring me, but only for a bit. June 19 is my next/first appointment (barring any complications before then), and I'll be between 10 1/2 and 11 weeks, so I think we stand a good chance of hearing the h/b on doppler, though it's not a sure thing. I already know that I will be requesting another u/s if we don't hear it then. That's the only really bad thing about scheduling for a Friday afternoon. If we don't hear a h/b, we aren't likely to be able to get in for an u/s until Monday morning. Sigh. Maybe I should rethink this. But I'm trying to have faith. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

And . . . that's it really. My life doesn't really revolve much around anything else. There isn't much on tv, I'm nearly through with my new books, I haven't really done anything productive (and have in fact killed about 5 of my pots and will have to repot new flowers, though it may be difficult to get some at this point, as we're heating up) at all. How boring I am!


queenrandom said...

I'd be "happy" to have to deal with the m/s right now, but I certainly wouldn't be smiling ;) Nothing to apologize for here.

I have lots of faith for you hon, I don't know why, I can just feel it. Maybe I have enough faith for the both of us :)

mtendere said...

Hang in there...feeling miserable is no fun, no matter what the cause. It's clear that you're grateful for the experience, but I like that you're being honest about it, too. The first trimester is a scary time. I hope you hear the heartbeat clearly at your next appointment!