Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Disappearing symptoms and my weekly freakout.

Feel free to skim on to the end or the next blog, this is going to be a paranoia filled whiny rant. I would apologize in advance, but why? I have to get this shit out of my head somewhere.

I know symptoms come and go. I know that there are a variety of causes for symptoms and how we experience pregnancy symptoms. I know that rest means I don't experience symptoms as acutely and I feel better and have more energy. I know that hormone levels and fluctuations play an important role in the severity of symptoms. I know that having passed the 6 week mark and hovering on the 8 week mark means that my chances of a pregnancy that makes it through are now around 95% mark. In two more weeks they'll be at the 98% mark. Those are good odds and good numbers.

I've had a lot of symptoms, and some quite badly. I've been exhausted, I get more tired easily, I feel more sleepy throughout the day. My breasts have been sore, terribly sore, painful, achey, have visibly grown and my nipples have gotten visibly bigger and more prominent. I've had terrible food aversions, gagging, dog nose, nausea, bad nausea, crippling nausea and dry heaving. I've had frequent urination, and less frequent urination. Constipation that's come and gone. I've had points of being an emotional wreck. I've also been ridiculously gassy, resulting in belching and farting that would make a frat boy proud.

That's a lot of stuff. I haven't had any spotting. My cervix was soft and low and closed. I haven't had any severe cramping, abdominal pain, back pain, shoulder pain. Basically - all the warning signs? I've had none of them.

Does any of that help at all when I'm having a day like today? Not at all. All I can think is that I haven't had to get up in the last two nights to pee. And I haven't been nauseated in two days. Well, I've had a few waves of it and gagged a few times, but nothing major. Not crippling like before. Despite going to bed a little late, I feel less tired and sleepy. My boobs only hurt if I massage them or poke the nipple. I haven't really had any cramping. Aren't you supposed to cramp? I mean, you uterus gets 1000x bigger. Cramping is normal. I reassure anxious women everday that it's normal to cramp. So is the reverse true? That it can be normal not to cramp?

I'm paranoid. I'm paranoid that the symptoms are disappearing and that I am not really pregnant with a live baby. That the baby is not developing correctly and that I'm going to have a miscarriage. I feel like I walk around disconnected from the baby because I'm so freaked out over potentially losing it. I want to cry right now, I feel so afraid and alone. Why can't I just enjoy this time, whatever time I have with Chickadee? Why do I analyze all the signs and symptoms and am only happy when I'm completely miserable? I'm so worried right now.

It's just so frustrating, and I find myself getting angry with myself over this constant war I seem to wage internally. I really hate this part of things. I want to be bigger and feel more secure. Will I ever feel secure? I know that reading a story recently about missed miscarriages and how the symptoms slowly disappeared and the mom just knew even when everyone told her otherwise, I know that freaked me out and is hanging over me. I know that my boobs will be sore again and that I will feel icky again and that already I feel tired today and that my concentration is shit and that my dog nose is in place and that I am not drinking enough water, blah blah blah.

Bottom line. I feel scared. I want reassurance, there is none to be had. I'm tired of sounding whiny and pathetic, but I feel whiny and pathetic. And terrified. Utterly terrified.

No comments: