Sunday, October 19, 2008

One month ago.

Four weeks ago, or roughly a month, I woke up to a great big temp spike and a desire to pee in a cup. Two negative tests later, I still had proof of the temp spike, and a thought that no, this was the month, and a faint line showed up on the FRER.

I can't believe that a full month has gone by and that I am now here about to end the second month of my pregnancy. It's unreal to me sometimes. There was so much fear early on, so many worries. It's not that there are less worries, but the fear began to fade away and I don't hold my breath everytime I go to the bathroom and I don't frantically search for some symptoms to reassure me. I feel less scared and way more grateful when I'm not incapacitated by nausea and exhaustion. I feel more connected to the little blueberry sized baby swimming inside me, and I feel less like I'm blocking myself away from it and fear of pain.

Things are moving so quickly, and yet, not nearly quickly enough. I was so desperate to be out of the first trimester, that I don't remember ever thinking I would see 7 weeks or 8 weeks, and here I am in my eighth week, moving along. It's unbelievable to think I'll be in my ninth week starting Thursday. And the following week is my second appointment, when Jackie will listen for a heartbeat. It'll likely be too early to hear with the doppler, but I'm still sort of excited to try.

Nearly everyone knows, except my friends in real life and Jason's family - though since he told his best friend yesterday, it's becoming imperative to tell his sister at least. I'm feeling excited about the future, and a little anxious. Ever since the stuff came up with Mom and her hesitation about coming out here, I've been more nervous, but talking it through helped me realize that we will be ok, whatever happens. Everything will be ok, in the end.

And I think that's the theme I'm settling into, as I settle into this pregnancy. Everything will be ok in the end. It's sort of funny, really - my mom was only just finding out now that she was pregnant with me, and I've already known about Chickadee for a month. Crazy how times have changed.

For now, I'm trying to relax, deal with m/s as it comes up and begin to enjoy the holiday season. This was always my favorite time of year, from October through December - well, tied with spring, anyways! And what a glorious year this is going to be for us. Truly. So much to celebrate together with family this year.

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