I have very little faith these days. I'm not just talking about religious faith, which is its own separate issue, but just a belief in the inherent positivity of events. Which is funny, because I do sort of believe that everything works out for the best in the end. The above? "All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well" - I do believe that.
But conciously agreeing with that statement and actively turning loose things to whatever - God, the universe, fate, karma (for me, it's God) - I really suck at that. I never really learned how to do it.
So when I'm faced with the situation of this weekend, and I glance down and there is color on the toilet paper, I flip the fuck out. My mind starts spinning and while one rational portion is calmly repeating the very logical information I already know about light spotting, the rest of me is in total freak out mode and pessimism takes over and I become a blubbering, sobbing, mass of terrified jello.
And since then, I've been on a roller coaster of highs and belief that all is well and lows and belief that it's all over. Why I can't stay calm, why I can't be level-headed and rational - I have no idea. But I can't. I just quake and moan with fear.
In the end, the spotting was light and went away. Never got darker or heavier or worse. Cramps died down too. Nausea picked up and was bad. I have nearly every pregnancy symptom under the sun and yet I'm so deathly afraid of Thursday and my appointment with the mw and hearing things aren't ok.
I really don't like this at all. At. All. But neither do I know how to unwind myself and climb back down to reality and sanity.