Thursday, January 22, 2009

A bit of a break

For you, the loyal readers.

In short - no news yet. I talked briefly with the mw - a frustrating conversation in which she repeated her initial message to me. She doesn't know what to think, she's consulting her OB, she has no advice or options until after that conversation. She expects he'll want to do an u/s himself and will probably talk about a d&c or methotrexate, depending on the findings. Damn right we'll be doing another u/s. She knows I'm frustrated and upset, she's sorry. She said she expects to hear something by Friday, but hopes later today.

So it is what it is, to be as cliche as possible. Lots of well wishes, for which I thank you all! Lots of inquiries into how I'm feeling and here is my brief response: Pretty good overall. I am mostly calm, very distracted by what I'll talk about in a minute, and have moments of anger about this, moments of why me? ness and there is a near constant frustration. But to be totally honest? Those negative feelings are pretty minor and on the whole, I feel ok. Thanks for asking, thanks for the well-wishes, the desires for answer and the prayers.

Hope remains again one of the hardest parts, as it is there. I will freely admit here that a tiny part of leaped for joy, and hopes that I will be like one of my readers (and fellow Honors alum!) and this will be a miracle and we'll go into the u/s and see a teeny alien worm thing floating around with a leetle flickering h/b. I am trying my hardest to keep logical and level-headed, but in truth, the hope is there and I'm not squashing it down anymore. It's as possible as this whole goddamned crazy situation happening in the first place, so it just exists, exultingly, next to the frustration and peace.

But the main thing I wanted to talk about was our audit. It's next week. I've been swamped and freaking out and going crazy and working weekends. This 'pregnancy' has frustrated me to no end as it has completely wiped my focus and attention span from work at a critical time.

We just got our list of required documents to present to the auditors, and while it's only the beginning (they'll request more in the two weeks after our meetings), it is so much better than I expected. It's all going to be ok. The areas I was most concerned with seem to be in order for what they need and I am breathing a big sigh of relief. Everyone has told me that no one has ever been fired over an audit and that I have the perfect built in excuse for any findings (still in training) but any sort of overview of my performance that finds me lacking makes me quake in fear and want to hide under my desk. My coworkers openly laugh at my fear of performance reviews (which will be happening again soon, damn it).

So yeah, some relief is in sight, though not of the kind I'd hoped for.

I'm also refocusing my energy to positively cross all known appendages for my friends Babs and LJ as they await the results of their cycle. I'm hoping it's positive, loves!

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