I find myself overwhelmingly tired after this past weekend.
Not that I did anything. The house remains a mess, the bed remains unchanged, the remaining bags from our trip remain unpacked. I did not come into work, though I did do some work at home.
I did go out for an evening of games with friends of DH, and it was fun enough. But it was tiring as well.
I am tired of this roller-coaster situation. I am tired of bleeding. I am tired of wearing pads. I am tired of the bleeding slowing down and picking up again. I am tired of waiting for answers and being patient. I am tired of people insinuating I am not taking this seriously and tired of people questioning my course of action (which is pretty well considered).
I am tired of feeling tired and tired of the pregnancy symptoms that popped up this weekend, seemingly just to mess with me. I'm tired of feeling blocked off from my husband because we haven't had sex in weeks because of all this bleeding and I'm tired of his gentle support. I am grateful for it, of course, but tired of the timidity and the caution he shows and tired of having to pry to get to what he's really feeling about this mess.
I am tired of the over-analysis of symptoms and tired of fearing the worst and wondering what to do next. I'm tired of wondering if that twinge, generally located on the left means something or if those cramps are the first signs of impending physical miscarriage. I'm tired of confusing intestinal cramps with uterine cramps and tired of thinking it's over again and again only to have yet another round of ha ha! shoved in my face.
There is a lot I can handle with some level of equanimity. There is a vast deal more I can cope with if forced to and come out ok. This is really pushing my boundaries and in a very uncomfortable way. I was sad when I thought it wasn't going to work, and I've been through my share of bitterness over the way and the length of this pregnancy, but it was still nothing when compared to losing Chickadee. I was still handling it - probably not gracefully or anything like, but getting along and finding my way. Continually dragging me back into this and giving me hope seems cruel.
Right now, the best analogy I can think of is one of my worst dreams. I don't mean this is a nightmare; rather, I mean that this is like one of my recurrent nightmares. A dream in which I drown, quite realistically. I am disoriented under water, and there is blue around me and I am swimming but I can't quite break to the surface in time and I get dragged back down and finally I can't stand it anymore, the breath I'm holding is hot and tense inside me and I am crying for air and I finally allow that breath to explode and I try and struggle and struggle not to breathe in and I see the sky and it's there and I can't make it and my mind won't let me anymore and I can't help it - I take a deep inhalation of the water and start choking. Inevitably, it is at this point I awaken to find myself gulping in deep breaths of sweet air, not water and realize that the dream is so real that to that point I have been holding my breath in my sleep.
It's a lot like that - or the time I went tubing and came to a short waterfall. Most people got out and went around, because it was powerful enough to flip you and suck you under, but there were some guys playing around and offering to help people out of the water if you wanted to go over, so I did. I knew help was coming so I wasn't panicked as I flipped and was sucked under and tossed over a few times. I could see the sky and then the rocks and then the sky and then strong hands pulled me out and I laughed. It's like that.
It's like that, being tossed over and over and yet having no reassurance of strong hands to grab me. There is a fear that is present in my dreams and it lingers over me and it is sucking away at me, like one of Rowling's dementors. It's hard not to worry about the way this could end and about whether I'm doing the right thing. All I can hope is that this turns out ok in the end. But without a working ball, I don't know, and so I sit and wait, tired and worried.