When I heard that there was nothing in the uterus, my heart sank. When I heard there was likewise nothing in the tubes, my heart leapt with relief and joy. I felt like I could sing or dance, I was so happy.
Now I've come back down to earth. There are still no answers, it does not appear to have resolved itself and there is no reason to believe that I won't be facing the same issue in a week. And I feel deflated. It's not over, I have no answers. It's still probably ectopic. I mean, shit. SHIT. This is only a temporary reprieve.
I spent some time looking at baby board today, complete with lots of baby pictures. I want to cry. Because I want a baby. I want *my* baby. I should have been going for my big u/s today, celebrating our little boy or little girl. Instead, I was relieved to hear that nothing was there.
I have a lot of baby stuff tucked away upstairs. It's been accumulating for years. I normally don't even think about it. It's just there, you know? I remember my mother disapproving of it, asking what we would do if I had a miscarriage or we couldn't have kids. I remember my exact words were "That's pretty unlikely to happen, don't you think? Besides we will have kids somehow." I still believe that last part but I am terrified again that I will never have a normal pregnancy and never feel my baby inside me or hold my newborn in my arms and cry with joy.
Will I ever have that which I most wanted and dreamed of and planned for? Will I ever get to feel the popcorn butterfly fluttering of early movement? Know what it is like to hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time? Feel the baby kick me, and run my hand over my stomach and identify which part of baby I am tickling? Suffer through labor and feel my baby slither from my body and hear that first cry? Hold my baby near my heart and watch it melt while the baby sleeps on dh's chest and the dog sleeps on his feet?
Right now, that dream feels like it's slipping farther and farther away and I am tired of this uncertainty and angry at the universe for what has happened again. I want an explanation, an answer, a glimmer of hope that I can have a baby. I know that is not forthcoming, but I want it all the same.