Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Thin ice

Not on the roads - we're too near the coast to be badly affected by the massive snow storms plaguing much of Amurca today. In fact, it's sunny and chilly out.

No, I'm referring to my emotional reserves. I'm running low generally and nearly everything that is coming in is on thin ice. It's a question of when I will lose it right now, rather than if I will.

Yesterday morning, the car was dead. I don't know why, or how. It was a shock, and a bad one (as the only other time that car as been that dead was when a wire fried and the entire thing had to be done rewired to the tune of $1k). Fortunately, my bff the Toyota Truck driving AAA man fixed it up and replaced the battery and the car made loud beautiful noises.

Then I left work early due to exhaustion and nausea and got home. As I'm settled in to my chair and starting to doze, there is a knock. I go outside to find my neighbor on my patio telling me my lights are on. Only they aren't, not the headlights anyway. But the tail lights - yes, those are on. But the car isn't. And there is no way to turn them off. Well, now I know why the battery died. Who knows how long that has been going on?

After much drama and hassle, the battery was disconnected. We now have to reconnect and disconnect the battery each time we stop. Srsly. I'm going to try and get it in asap, but it'll likely mean taking a day off work. How fun for me. All I can hope is that it is a cheap and easy fix.

Because that whole mess? Nearly made me lose my shit. I was shaking, on the verge of big tears, feeling weepy and defeated. And in the end? Yeah, it's a hassle, it sucks, but . . . is it that big a deal? Not really, no.

But here I am. I'm just low on everything. Low on patience, on peace, on sadness, on joy. I can't really say I feel anything but tired - and it's true I am still physically tired, I am emotionally wiped out. I have to acknowledge at some point that I am sadness and unhappy about this pregnancy and it's outcome, but I'm not quite there. I mean, it was not viable and despite the hope, I knew it wasn't viable.

It's just hard not to feel like a failure. I mean, 2 failed pregnancies, back to back. I feel bad about this and today, I have not the energy to try and be positive.

2 comments:

JACQUELYN said...

I am so sorry girl. I really do hope things get better for you. I have had way too many of those kinds of days too where just everything seems to be going wrong and I question why is this happening? Can nothing go right? And then I start thinking about the pregnancies and that makes it worse. It's hard...probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I don't have any brilliant ideas or plans to help you (nor myself) get out of this funk and way of thinking (is there really a fix?) and try to look forward to future happy pregnancies. Just an e shoulder to lean on. :) But just know, that you are in my thoughts.
Take care.

xxx - Mrsmacias2008

ashley-cita said...

This is oh-so-random, but I know what's causing that on your car.

It's a little button/sensor that resides under your break pedal. More specifically, something that would typically keep your break pedal from pushing on that button while you are not stepping on it is no longer doing its job. Clear as mud, right?

If you open your door, and lay on the ground, and look up under the pedal, you should see it. Mine was a wee red dot. You can fold a piece of (thinish) cardboard and rig it up under there when you're not driving to keep the break lights off until you get it fixed.

I feel like such a nutter, but it worked for me.

Hope you get it fixed soon!