Friday, January 30, 2009

Feeling better, and worse.

Physically, so much better. So very much better. Nearly normal again. I can't tell you how much that helps me, not to be dragging ass and tired and useless. It makes me feel a lot more positive.

Mentally, definitely better as well. Much better headspace, I think. I am still hoping this day moves far more quickly than it has so far.

Beyond that . . . well. I still worry. What is wrong with me that I've had a baby stop growing and and an ectopic pregnancy? Maybe it's nothing at all, just two cases of bad timing and bad luck. But what if it's not?

I feel broken. This is something that is supposed to happen naturally in a certain way, you know what? It does most of the time. It just hasn't yet for me. I hope anyway. The odds continue to climb though.

I guess it's good that I don't seem to have trouble getting pregnant. Both times we've had sex two-three days before and the day of ovulation, I've gotten pregnant. My body seems to respond well to pregnancy, and give it every chance to flourish. That is promising, I suppose.

But it doesn't change the fact that there have been abnormalities. And it doesn't give us any guarantees for the future. I know what the next positive test will bring - beta draws as soon as possible and an early u/s, because I am at increase risk for both m/c and a repeat ectopic. There won't be a lot of calmness or comfort or belief in the next pregnancy until we know that hcg is rising normally and there is a h/b.

It's a lot to take in. It's not aided by the fact I retroactively read up on cervical ectopic pregnancies. I didn't really beforehand, because they are so ridiculously rare. So infrequent, in fact, that there haven't been a lot of studies done, becuase there aren't a lot of cases. The number has climbed a lot since the common use of better ultrasound monitoring and equipment (and since better IUDs are used more commonly, I might add), but they still don't know risk factors yet.

While the prognosis seems to be good for future pregnancies - one case study followed 30 women and there were 38 pregnancies among them in the following 3 years, only 3 of which were ectopic (2 tubal, one repeat cervical) . . . it's still hard to reconcile that with the idea that I am extremely lucky. I'm lucky because the growth and development was so abnormal that there was little tissue, and I'm lucky because methotrexate is available and used. Even 15 years ago, I would likely have had a d&c - and those often result in hemorrhaging and hysterectomies. It is difficult to wrap my mind around that. I might be recovering today from a hysterectomy.

I think reading up on it more just makes me feel more broken than lucky.

But hey, at least I don't want to crawl into bed and not move for days. I'll take improvement where I can get it right now.

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