Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Side effects? Nah.

Dear Lord, I am exhausted. So freaking tired. And nauseated, utterly green.

Color me unsurprised to look at the side-effects for methotrexate and see those two things. The OB did say that at the low dosage I received side effects were mild and not very common, but I guess I get to be the lucky one - just like with everything else this pregnancy.

I am feeling down and discouraged today. A cycle off isn't terrible, but that makes March the earliest we can try again, which is ironic to me - as we said March would be a month we'd take off, in order to avoid having a holiday baby. ROFL.

Riiiiiight. Nope, bring on the Christmas baby, I say. Although, I've got a weird feeling the next cycle we try won't be it (that will officially be cycle 6 of trying, while simultaneously being month 10. Man. 10 months, 2 failed pregnancies and an anovulatory cycle. Depressing). I got pregnant with Chickadee on cycle 4, and with fail #2 on the fourth ovulatory cycle. Four is one of my lucky numbers - though at this point, saying it's one of my favorite numbers might more accurate. Seven is my other lucky number - so somehow, thinking of cycle 7 makes me a bit more calm. Maybe that will be the one that finally sticks and grows. . .

Anyhow, with ttc off the table for now, I am going to try and refocus on health - healthy eating habits and getting back into a regular work out routine, as well as regular massage and meditation (which seriously reduce my stress levels). It's less about losing weight and more about general well-being. I feel better and sleep better when those things are in balance. It's time to return to that. But the desire is actually lessened by douchebag doctor. The contrary part of my nature wants to tell him to shove it and not do these things just to prove him wrong. But that is only doing myself and any future pregnancy a disservice - cutting off my nose to spite my face. He was a douche, but the basic facts stripped of his presentation aren't wrong. It will be better for me to lose whatever I can lose in advance of the next pregnancy. It will make everything easier and will me a healthier and better person. So there it is.

I'm contemplating leaving work early to sleep more, as I am getting very little done here today. I think there are two or three things I should do, then go home. All I want to do is sleep.

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