Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Extremes and Role Reversal

Totally crazy night.

Actually, pretty mundane night until about bedtime. Ate dinner - scrambled eggs, cheese, potatoes, and sausage. Was sitting ok, but not great. A little after 10:00, I started to feel really tired and really nauseated. I told DH I wanted to go to bed and he put the dog up. We went upstairs, DH carrying a bucket and I went to the bathroom. I took out my contacts and then . . . oh, yeah, that bucket was necessary. I think this was the worst vomiting session ever (and to back that up - I have burst blood vessels all around my eyes and on my cheeks and forehead today. Lovely!).

When everything I'd eaten was sufficiently repented of, I went and laid down and begged DH to try listening to the h/b again. So he got the doppler and we plopped it on and it took a few seconds, but then we heard it. And this time there was no doubt. Little Chickie was in the perfect position, far enough away from the placenta that we could only barely hear it, and my h/b wasn't interfering and it was a wonderful rapid lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub. Amazing. Completely and utterly amazing. We got to listen for nearly 4-5 minutes, though Chickie was moving around some, so we had to trace it a couple of times.

I have a baby with a lub-dub that moves! And that is when it hit me and I started laughing. We started talking to the Chickie, which is something we've not done a lot yet. I looked at DH and said, "We're going to have a baby."

He nodded and said, "Yeah. That's been evident for a few weeks now."

I said, "No, for real. There is a baby in there! There is a chicken baby in there, and it's alive!"

DH gave me a side-eye and nodded patiently, and said, "Er, yeah. I've understood that since the first ultrasound. Baby. Yay!"

I said, "But you didn't really believe it did you?"

He said, "Well, yeah, I did. I've been telling you. I saw the h/b pounding away at the ER, and felt pretty confident that there was really a baby in there."

I said, "But I didn't really believe it."

And I didn't. I hoped, but until this point? When I heard that lub-dub, and it was clear, and there was no question, and he/she moved around in there and we could tell, it was this amazing, magical moment. For so long, I've been praying for, longing for, begging for reassurance. For some signs that I can fall in love with this baby, that this one will be the baby we hold in our arms and raise in love. That this time won't be pain upon pain. That this would not be in vain.

And last night, I got it. That beautiful, amazing sound that told us 'I am here. All is well.' - My Chickie has a lub-dub, and I have a Chickie. I'm going to be a mother. I just think it's funny that my husband has been adjusted to this idea for weeks, and I'm only now - near the end of the first trimester - coming around. I looked at him at one point and laughed and said, "What the hell were we thinking? We're having a baby? What a terrible idea!" And we laughed and hugged, and I fell asleep, talking to Little Chickie in my head.


NikkiFudgestick said...

I'm so happy you have a lub-dub! I'm so happy that you can have a little peace now. You deserve it!

Tena said...

Yay!!!! I am so happy for you and your lub-dubing baby!

Missy said...

Yay! I'm really glad you finally heard the heartbeat. We haven't talked a ton on the bump, but you've always seemed cool and I've followed your story. I'm really glad that everything is going so well!