Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Still there.

I don't really know what else to say. I haven't heard from the mw. I spent some time talking to my mom on the phone, and finally broke down in tears. I'm really scared, and the uncertainty of everything weighs on me. There can be a lot of totally normal reasons for light spotting (and it's very light. Only when I wipe. Not showing up on liners at all), and 50% of women who have spotting have perfectly healthy pregnancies.

But I don't know if I'm one of them. I don't know what is going on in there. I don't know if things are ok, and it's killing me. I'm terrified this is just a worse repeat of the last miscarriage, which started out in similar ways - thinking all was well and then spotting, which turned out to be caused by hcg levels beginning to fall.

I still have a lot of pregnancy symptoms - which, looking back, I didn't then. And I had a beating heart at 6w and 8w. Which should be reassuring. The chances of a missed miscarriage or a spontaneous miscarriage are really low. But then, so were the chances of a fucking cervical ectopic pregnancy. So where does that leave me?

Hanging on faith and feelings, both of which are slim at best. I told Mom that I just don't have a good feeling anymore. She told me it was simply clouded by fear. Maybe that is true. Maybe this is something I just need to get through and all will in fact be well. Or maybe it's my subconcious trying to prepare me.

All I know is that I swing from feeling secure and that all must be well with the Chicken, and utter fear that all is going wrong and it's simply a matter of time until the end comes. I feel exhausted by these swings and by the uncertainty that just rains down on me constantly. It's another two and a half weeks, roughly, until my NT scan. I'll borrow my friend's doppler before then to try to hear a h/b . . . but it's still very early. If all is well, Little Chickie is only 10 - 10.5 weeks today.

On top of this is severe fatigue and bad nausea/vomiting. It's just awful right now. I feel awful. I guess that should be reassuring, but it no longer is. I just want to know all is well, and there is no way to know that right now.


Amy said...

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you!!! Sending positive vibes!

Lore B said...

I just wanted to say that I had light brown spotting for 3 days, and we saw the heartbeat yesterday. Hang in there, sweetie, chances are on your favor. I'll be thinking of you.

Echloe said...

Sending you anti-spotting vibes. If the mw doesn't call you back maybe just show up there and ask for a quick doppler.

mtendere said...

Thoughts and prayers to you.