Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yeah, so that no obsession thing? FAIL.

I did SO well yesterday. And on the way home, I said to my darling husband that I was trying hard not to obsess and that to that end, we would take 2 more temps to 100% confirm ovulation and stop temping until after my period next cycle if this were negative. He nodded encouragingly. I didn't temp the full luteal phase of any cycle other than the 2 pregnancy cycles. I didn't think it was worth the drama.

The first pregnancy cycle was a temping fluke - because of the hurricane and being without power, we had no means of setting an alarm to temp and confirm ovulation until 6 dpo. So I temped 3 days to confirm that ovulated when I thought I did, and then temped the next couple out of curiousity because my temp was so unusually high. Then, post-mc, I wanted to see what would happen, and when the chart looked tri-phasic, I needed to see more, and then the temps dipped and then . . . well, you know the rest.

So I figured that going back to the ways of old, when I only temped a couple days past confirmed ovulation, would help me not obsess and that is a good thing.

So naturally, I have an unusually high temp this morning to fuck it all up. 97.7, to be precise. Not the most unusual temp I've ever seen or anything, but damned if it isn't a jump over the others in a way that mimics my pregnancy charts. That? does not HELP.

I've spent part of my day off now staring at the chart, willing it to reveal itself to me. Looking at overlays of the temps and comparisons and realizing - it means NOTHING. Not a goddamned thing. Because honestly? Dude. I didn't temp beyond 5 or 6 days in the other ovulatory cycles. I didn't have temps for 2-5 dpo in the first pregnancy cycle. My temps were several tenths higher overall in the summer than they are now. FFS, I am only going to drive myself nuts if I continue.

So I asked some friends to indulge me and they did and gave me their opinions, along with some surprise we were trying ahead of our previously stated 8 week date of March 23. Oops. I don't regret it though. I may yet live to if something were to happen, but I felt a strong compulsion and I listened. I have to stick with that and not second guess myself. It wasn't just an urge - we did a lot of research and a lot of soul-searching prior to that decision. I refuse to allow myself to go down that road into madness. We'll deal with whatever comes from our decision as it comes - and as I need to remind myself now - the odds are nothing comes from it.

So, to save us all as much angst and eye-rolling as possible, I am going to try and stick with my original decision not to temp beyond tomorrow. Being the weekend, my hopes are high that this will allow us to sleep in and distract me while I await approaching a possible test date.

Hey, stop laughing, damn it. I am trying!

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