Monday, March 30, 2009

That Uncanny Ability

Since we got Grover, we have started seeing blue cars and 300's everywhere. I never particularly noticed either before, unless it was a really striking shade of blue or we were looking for our friends who drive a 300. But now . . . everywhere. There are 2 other 300s in our parking lot and one Toyota that is a similar color. The house three down from us has a 300. And so on. . .

I've heard the same about pregnant women, but it had never really been that noticeable to me. Now it is. Dunno why. Bad luck today, maybe?

One pregnant friend returned from vacation and kindly responded to a freak out post. Another learned today that she is having a boy (we would have been due within a week of each other had the ectopic been a real pregnancy). I got a friend request on FB from an old high school friend - the first thing I see on her profile is that her big u/s is tomorrow. Another friend sends me a link to her baby blog, and another is deciding on a name for her newborn. Everywhere we go lately, I see babies and toddlers and pregnant women absently rubbing their bellies or talking about their pregnancies.

I feel surrounded. And stuck. And mean and selfish. I am happy for these friends, but only abstractly. Almost like - I am glad for them and wish them well, but have no feeling beyond it. Not until I can push away the pain do I feel anything for them. It's the worst legacy of loss.

It leaves me feeling empty and sad and wondering if I am going to have that and that in turn puts pressure - even more pressure - on this next cycle. It's vicious and annoying and thinking too much about it makes it hard for me to breathe.

1 comment:

That Chick Over There said...


I know how you feel, I really do.