Sunday, March 22, 2009

Some thoughts that need to come out.

I need to get to bed soon, lest I be extremely cranky tomorrow, but I have another set of expense reports to review first. And I have to write some about how I'm feeling during this 2ww. This is brought on by a ridiculous argument on thenestbump about stress and IF and poor wording choice.

I said something about not temping any longer during the 2ww because of being stressed out by it, and then qualified that by discussing how that seems to be the channel for all of my stress and fear over pregnancy, which is true enough.

Overall, I am pretty even keeled. I haven't brought out the full crazy, for which my husband has thanked me. But I also haven't ignored any symptoms and I can't say I haven't wondered. I think I've tried to have a fairly healthy approach to everything and I think that is likewise reflected here, where there aren't tons of angsty posts or posts about every imaginable symptom that might mean pregnancy or ruthlessly cutting through all symptoms.

But that doesn't mean I don't have some issues here. I do, I definitely do. I'm really quite scared to get pregnant again. I'm scared of the possible endings and can't really even look forward to the ultimate ending of a live baby in my arms. I know too much about what can go wrong. I know too much about all the hassle and drama that will go along with the next bfp - beta series and early u/s to determine the location of the pregnancy and that followed by u/s to check for development and growth. So many things and so much fear for all of that and knowledge that I will try not to get attached and that I will probably fail. Fear about what happens if there is another ectopic or another miscarriage what tests that will entail and what that might mean. It's terrifying, honestly.

And the other side of that coin - I am scared not to be pregnant. While I can logically look at my chart and laugh about 1 act of intercourse being likely to result in pregnancy, each cycle that passes makes me feel a tiny bit more desparate. I mean, my year mark (the point at which I can seek a referral to an RE) has reset due to the last two pregnancies. I will be coming up on a year of ttc in May - which of course, will only be 7 cycles - 2 of which at least will have been 'successful' - and well within normal timeframes. So, we've got a ways to go, which is a relief in one sense and gut-wrenching in another. Every month that ticks by without a pregnancy, every month in which other people are getting pregnant and having babies that started after I did digs a little deeper into my heart. It's a choking sort of sadness, one that mostly resides in the back of my mind, but I cannot deny it's there and that there is a pressure to get pregnant and produce a child and a feeling that I will not be whole again until that happens.

So there it is. If I'm being honest - I'm scared of any possible outcome. How's that for lame? It is the truth though. Not much to say other than I am trying hard to be hopeful and not let myself be overtaken by fear or ruled by it. I think I'm doing ok with it, but I can't deny it all lurks there in the background and has to be acknowledged. . .


Elaine said...

None of that is lame. You have every right to feel the way you do. You have been through a lot. And you haven't completely cracked under the pressure of it all. Your fears are valid and so understandable. I hope that you get what you want, soon!

Buckin said...

I just want to tell you that almost every post/blog where you talk about your feelings/worries/fears etc. are like holding a mirror up to myself (and seeing it written more eloquently than I would had I wrote it). You amaze me in your consistency of calmness (or what appears to be)and I know nothing I (or anyone) can say will ever truly calm those thoughts swirling within your head and heart, but I wish you peace and joy in your next pregnancy all the way through and above all, I wish you a laughing healthy baby to hold in your arms.