Friday, March 13, 2009

Though I am the root of all evil, I am also sort of smart sometimes.

If you've arrived here from BOTB or 6+ then you are already aware that my siggy carries a quote from one BlairWaldorf in it, declaring me to be the root of all evil. It is true in its own way and amusing in a multitude of ways. Blair is an e-friend, but more than that. She's become a wonderful real friend too, and hell, she even made my cell phone list. Impressive, that. If you've never read her blog ( you should.

And not just becuase she's directed people over here on an occasion or two (waves to those folks).

I found something she'd quoted me on from thenestbump in her blog while journeying through the archives. It was written during my pregnancy with Chickadee when we still thoroughly believed all was well and that I'd be having a baby in June.

What I said was this, in response to a question about the emotional ttc rollercoaster:

"Definitely. That first cycle was a bit of a whirlwind - so weird to be trying after waiting so long!

But when it actually happens, that's an even bigger mind-blowing experience. Sometimes I just sit and think 'This can't be real.' or 'Holy crap, what were we thinking?!'

The whole concept of growing and birthing another living being with a soul is just overwhelming and awe-inspiring and terrifying and elating all at once. At one point, I remember writing in my journal that for all the bumps of ttc and all the frustrations and all the exhaustion of it - it was like the ultimate act of hope and belief; hope in ourselves as parents, as a continuation of life, as the world as a better place. It's a neat journey, and in the end, your life will never be same."

In keeping with my goals of the Lenten season, I've been working to let go of the bitterness and anger surrounding my fertility and to open myself up to letting hope and faith and love back in. Some days are better than others, but I have found that I am much, much better than I was when I am actively working to combat those negative feelings.

It is better to live positively and be open to God. Slow going, but there is progress. And I do feel more hopeful. There is fear, yes, there is. But it's not overwhelming me or paralyzing me (yet). And that is good.

But the above. . . I can feel that again. It was true then, and it is true now. By trying to conceive again (and yes, we are), we are affirming our love for each other and the strength of our love. We are affirming our belief that life is a good thing, a beautiful thing and something to be cherished and perpetuated. We are affirming our belief that the world, imperfect and unfair as it is, is worth exploring and being in. We are agreeing that love can conquer all and that despite the pain we've been through and the hurt we've experienced, the chance to press forward our love into the world and create another soul and bring it into this world, nurture it, love it, raise it, guide it - that that is worth trying for and that the chance of pain isn't enough to kill that.

It is an amazing, wonderful, heartbreaking, thrilling, chilling, exhilarating, tearful rollercoaster and it will never leave us the same. Even if that is in ways we could not have anticipated and might not have wished.


Nlvaden said...

hey, its me nlvaden from botb. I was directed to your blog by Blair. I read your entry on what not to say to someone who has gone through a m/c and I don't know how you said what you said so well. I am very grateful that you wrote that and refrenced it in my own blog. Thank you again.

Elaine said...

Easjer, that was beautifully written. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

SweetSpikette said...

Easjer, I love this.

Blair said...

I love you, Eas.

CottonSocks said...

Back atcha, babe.