Monday, November 3, 2008

The bitternes is hard to cope with.

I'm feeling better all the time, becoming more like normal. The fact that most of the pregnancy symptoms are gone makes that easier. I feel more normal, that helps.

But I find bitterness popping up at surprising moments. Bitterness when yet another person tells me they are sorry; how awful is that? They are expressing condolences and sincerely sympathizing with me, and into my mouth pops a sarcastic comment and I choke it down and try to smile instead.

Bitterness when I see someone on the nest asking an innocent, and maybe kind of dumb question. I actually typed out something really awful in response to someone today, along the lines of 'Yeah, that sucks that you have to wait another month to ttc. It's almost as bad as having to wait a few more hours to take medicine to eject my dead embryo from my body. But you know, not quite.' That's not me. That's not who I am or who I want to be. I was always appalled by the bitterness or one-ups-manship of poor me I've seen happen on the nest. The ranking by tragedy. Abhorrent. And yet, there I was, typing it out, about to pour my pain and anger onto someone else.

It's a relief to be able to laugh, and to snuggle with my dh on the couch and watch tv and feel like things are indeed going to be ok again. It's horrifying to find myself reacting with such anger towards people who have nothing to do with me. I walked into Target today, having decided to go ahead and pack away the maternity clothes I purchased (except for a shirt or two that don't look maternity than can go in my regular rotation). There is nothing wrong with the clothes and I can use them someday, but there is no sense in them taking up valuable closet space right now. I was anxious about going to Target - with a large infant section, near the book section I wanted to start in. I was worried about how I would feel.

I felt just fine. I actually felt more interested in looking at the baby stuff than I ever did when I was actually pregnant. I wasn't bothered at all. I wasn't bothered by the babies or the pregnant women I saw there at all. That was a huge relief.

However, the bitterness I felt when I was approached at work by my cubicle neighbor who cheerfully asked how I was doing and could she get me anything? Just awful. I don't think she was aware, actually - it seems my boss didn't want to spread bad news without first talking to me, which I appreciate. But she stood there, so cheerful, so bouncy, and I wanted to throw something.

I feel bad about this. I can't prevent it, and I actually think it's a little healthier than repressing it. But I hope it doesn't last. I hope I don't always have to edit myself and feel like I need to run through everything three or four times, or choke things back. But I do hope this doesn't last forever. I don't like that feeling at all.

1 comment:

That Chick Over There said...

It doesn't last forever.

I can't guarantee you won't have moments. I still have moments when people complain about their pregnancy or something about their pregnancy and I want to shout, "Well, how sad for you. I only tried to get pregnant for three years and failed miserably each and every time and disappointed myself and can never give my husband a biological child and all, but you know, so sorry you have to have swollen fingers. I'm sure that sucks for you".

That's not me either. At all.

But you have moments. I have moments in which I cry. I have moments in which I feel profound sadness. I have moments that I am jealous, name it.

But mostly I do not. Mostly I'm happy with the life I have. I'm happy with how things have turned out. I'm NOT envious of what other's have and am able to be genuinely happy for others.

You're normal kiddo, I'm afraid. :)