Saturday, November 15, 2008

It's been a rough day.

I think I've bitched and moaned about it elsewhere enough that I don't feel like reliving it here again.

Things that have gone through my mind today include:
I don't want to live anymore (it's not as suicidal as it sounds, I promise).
I feel like a failure.
I hate myself for not being over this already.
I hate myself for being angry/bitter/sad/selfish/petty.
I hate God a lot right now.
I'm angry. I'm angry at everything, and I'm angry at my husband for reasons I can't fully articulate.
I just want to go somewhere or be alone for awhile and just scream at the top of my lungs, as loud as I can for as long as I can and just keep doing that until I collapse in a heap of sore-throated exhaustion, because that seems to be the only thing I can think of that might help get the pain and the anger out. But I can't.
I'm so concerned with being solicitous of other people's feelings, I think it's damaged my own healing. I hate to cry in front of my husband or be sad, because he worries. I tell my mom and my coworkers I'm doing as well as can be expected and change the subject. I get down on myself for feeling less than what I think I should feel for other people and for feeling any negative emotion about or around them.

I wish I could scream. And cry. Just for a few hours. Just be by myself and do something to let it all out, all the jumble of negative things in my head. I want to scream and kick and punch and shriek out my anger. Instead, I'm here, sitting quietly. Smiling valiantly and doing my best to reassure my husband that his wife is not insane. I feel insane. I feel sometimes like I'm going crazy because of all the the things I feel inside. And the further away I get from it the less I feel I can talk about it. Because why am I not doing better and feeling better? Nobody wants to hear this crazy rambling and negativity spewing out of me. I feel normal sometimes, and other times I feel like I'm going to burst with the amount of stuff I'm swallowing down.

I just want to lay down and be done with it all. I'm so tired of this. That's all I keep saying. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. What I mean and can't say is I'm so MAD. I'm so SAD. I'm so BETRAYED. I'm so CHEATED. I'm so EXHAUSTED. I'm so UNHAPPY. I'm so OVER THIS BULLSHIT. I'm so FUCKED. I am never going to be normal again. I will never be whole again.

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