I am not ok.
I'm simply not. I've had hours and moments of being ok and I think I will be ok again someday, but I'm a wreck right now. Tired, emotional, you name it, that's me. But right now, I am not ok.
I desperately want to be ok. I don't want to worry DH or my mom or my friends, so I try really hard to be ok, and sometimes I am for a little while.
I am tired of thinking about and talking about my miscarriage, but there are times I have to talk about it or I'll go crazy inside my head. I hate to continue posting about it online, because I know it makes people uncomfortable, and it sucks because there isn't anything they can do. And I know it's unpleasant and I know people would rather shy away from it. I've tried hard to stay active in other posts, in happy posts and not to be that person who is totally caught up in their own personal dramas and tragedies and oblivious to how much it makes those around them uncomfortable and sad.
I've been told over and over that people everywhere support me and are there for me and whatever I need, and I do appreciate that. But I also feel like a drama queen when I post about it, like I'm demanding attention and demanding that people feel sorry for me and heap sympathy on me. I feel like I'm acting like the only person in the world who has ever gone through this loss, playing it out like some old time tragedian. I know I'm not the only person to go through this and I don't want to demand sympathy or attention. But sometimes I need to connect somehow with someone and the internet is the quickest connection. When I started cramping so painfully last night, I had to get that out somewhere. Then I felt bad about it. No one wanted to know that.
I want to talk about it now, but I don't know where. I feel like an outcast. I don't feel comfortable and I don't fit in on PL or TTCAL. I feel like I'm bringing down the Hos, especially with the good things happening. I feel like I should avoid BOTB, because there are so many happy things there, and continuing to post my sad stuff seems wrong and aw'ish. And honestly it's hard to post there and see the people I was pregnant with on there, their tickers starting to pass me by, the people I enjoyed getting to know better, the ones I was pregnant with now moving on, closer to their second trimesters, while I am here. Waiting. Wondering whether to try again or not, in no man's land.
I feel alone. I know there are a lot of people who care about me. Numerous, kind offers to email, to chat, to call, to come over. I want that and I don't want that. I just have a hard time picking up the phone or sending an email. I feel like such a burden. I feel like, it's been a week. It's time to move on. But I can't.
I'm stuck here, all alone. I don't want to bring my husband down further. He's dealing with his own grief and sorrow. I don't want to bring my mother down here, she already so worried about me. I don't want to continue posting the same things and I don't know where else to turn. I feel alone and sad and I don't know how to begin to make my way out of this mess and this sorrow and this grief. It's Friday. I really need to think about going back to work and I just don't want to. I'm not there mentally, but I doubt I ever will be, so I just need to go and get it over with.
I think I'm going to nap now. I am so tired after last night and I didn't get enough sleep at all. Maybe when I'm better rested, things may have more perspective. Maybe I will feel less alone.