Sunday, November 23, 2008

Mixed emotions.

First, my good friend, often known at BlairWaldorf has had a miscarriage. My heart is breaking for her. She was originally due about 5 days after I was, and we went through 6 weeks of pregnancy together. She went through another 3 without me. It is worse for her; she saw her Harpie twice, with beautiful strong heartbeats. Miscarriage is not something I would wish on anyone prior to going through it, but having been through it, I ache for her and Harpie, and would do a lot to make it better or not true.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words that my friends must have felt; I've been reduced to saying the dreaded words "I'm sorry" and knowing how inadequate they really are.

My thoughts and prayers are with Blair and Nate and Harpie. I pray that God brings you some peace.

Second, which seems so frivolous in light of these things - my body seems already to be gearing up for ovulation. I only stopped spotting 2-3 days ago, and already have a great deal of very, very wet creamy fluid. I expect it to be watery quickly, and from there, of course, is fertile egg white cm.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I know we don't have to go ahead, and I know that I may not ovulate at all, but this is somewhat unnerving. We haven't even managed to have sex yet at all, let along jumping right back into ttc sex. I'm feeling mixed up about ttc again. I just know I don't want to go through all the shit again. I am really afraid of seeing a positive test again, but likewise, as soon as we start ttc again, I am afraid of not seeing a positive. It's just all sorts of mixed up.

Both Dh and I have been testy this weekend. Some cleaning got done, and shopping was done and the chocolate mousse was made. I need to buckle down and do my share of cleaning tomorrow. I did a bit today, but I am responsible for the bathrooms, so they need to be done. Fun times. I wish I had some certainty about things and I just don't. It's hard not to think about things like the fact that I should have been 13 weeks on Thursday, and 17 at Christmas. It's all just . . . depressing.

1 comment:

Blair said...

aww, are the best. Thank you for this post & all of your well-wishes. It's amazing how we don't know what to say, even when we've been through it & are going through it. Words are never enough, but having good friends always helps ease the pain. Love :)