Thursday, November 6, 2008

Have some answers now.

Feel a little ashamed of myself.

But maybe that anger needed to be pierced and drained, rather than festering, so I can't apologize for it.

*Warning. This is going to be very graphic. More than anything else I've written about my miscarriage to date.*

Four? Five? hours later, and I'm still contracting and passing tissue and clots. There were a lot of really big clots that have passed in gushes of blood. I sit in my chair, breathing through the sharp, sharp cramps (and thinking that now I have a taste of natural birth - and it's going to hurt, but it should be bearable so long as there is a pattern to the contractions), then feel a small gush of blood, then stand up to head to the bathroom, at which point a pad is soaked through and then a large blood clot or tissue passes into the toilet.

I say blood clot or tissue, because there have been both. This is what sent me spiraling over the edge, but now I know why. The last trip to the bathroom I felt something large pass through and the contractions passed for the moment. I moved to clean up a bit so I could return to the chair and my heating pad, and pushed a large mass of something out of my vagina when I went to wipe. I didn't realize until I stood up that the mass of something had been pushed onto the toilet seat rather than into the toilet bowl. I looked at it and picked it up with toilet paper and inadvertently got a closer look. I was shocked to realize I was holding a small placenta in my hand. Just like what I've seen pictures of frequently - the gray ridged side and the opposite side completely smooth. This was clearly tissue, even if it weren't recognizable as a small placenta. I subsequently passed and saw other gray tissue. Now, I am perfectly confident that the embryo and the sac passed on Tuesday. I know that.

But clearly, not everything passed. I retained a good deal of tissue and many clots, some quite large. So as painful as this was and as emotionally damaging as it felt when it started, I know why. It's so that I can in fact avoid surgery after all. Had this not happened tonight (or very soon), I would have continued to have a slow bleed for a couple of weeks, eventually would have gone back to work to find that I was going to have to jump through the hoops and schedule a surgery anyhow and miss more time. I still can't be 100% positive that everything has gone, but I can say that the dangers of surgery are greatly reduced by the sheer volume of tissue and clots that have already passed.

And I do believe that everything will pass before the night is through. The midwife called yesterday to check on me, and I ignored the call. I didn't want to talk to her, and now I am relieved that I did not. I would have told her all happened as she described - and while it would have been true, it wouldn't have been accurate. When I call her tomorrow, I should be able to tell her a much more accurate account of things.

I am tired. I have been through the wringer today - through every possible emotion related to my miscarriage today. I have been through a physical wringer. So much blood lost - not so much I'm concerned, mind you. I'm not stupid. I asked and was told, and DH was specifically told, what to look for to figure out what too much blood loss would be and what to do in that case. Nevertheless, the contractions for hours, so very painful, and the time spent huddled on the toilet, legs going numb, blood dripping and gushing from me has worn me out. It's not over yet, but should be soon, I hope.

I am hungry too. I need to come up with something to eat. I am glad to have some answers, but I feel exhausted and in need of comfort. Dh has done so well for me, getting me whatever I need, holding me, hugging me, offering me succor and love. But I feel like one large, gaping, raw wound, emotionally and physically. I am truly ready to be done with this and put it behind me. I hope, humbly, that this is it.


velocibadgergirl said...


I'm really glad you're open to writing this all out. It must be helping, and I applaud your strength and dignity through all of this.

I also hope you don't mind me reading. If you do, I will stop, but I wanted to come out of the shadows and let you know that even though my words are tiny and meaningless in the face of something this big, I am here and I am reading and I am thinking of you, every day.


Cate said...

I'm so sorry, eas. The night after my D&C I had HORRIBLE contractions and passed a large clump of tissue and clots and had to go to the ER, it was awful. Luckily after that it was pretty much over and I started feeling good again.
It gets better. I promise. I am going to keep telling you that until you start to believe it!