Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm not sure this is over.

After Thursday evening, I was relieved because it seemed like it was finally over.

Then by Sunday I was a bit concerned because the bleeding hadn't subsided much. I mean, it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't going away either.

Last night I had horrible cramps similar to Thursday's cramps. I did pass one large clot, and that was it.

Overnight I had no bleeding, just a tiny bit of spotting. I felt relieved, thinking this must finally be coming to an end. I came home from dropping DH off and it appears it's not over yet, as the cramps have returned and have been going strong for hours now. It's extremely painful.

Bleeding returned in a big way. Not like Thursday's bleeding where I would soak through a pad pretty quickly, but it's what I would call heavy. And from none to heavy is really discouraging.

I don't know if this is a sign there is just a little bit of tissue left that my body is trying to take care of on it's own or a sign of something else. I can tell you that it worries me, it hurts and makes me doubt whether it's wise to return to work. I'm really afraid of having to see an OB and having to go ahead with surgery and it makes me sad and angry. I do know that the miso could take up a week to work, which would be tomorrow, but after everything else, shouldn't this be over?

I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of feeling sad and bitter and ok and not ok and being in physical pain. Haven't I gone through more than enough for a child that doesn't even exist and barely ever did? I just want to be done with this and have it all behind me. I'm beginning to wish I'd gone ahead and jumped through the hoops to have a d&c, because then it would be over.

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