Friday, November 14, 2008

There are times when I am sad.

And it happens at the most inappropriate times, which makes it worse.

I saw four new BFPs today between various boards. How exciting for them! I was thrilled for them and immediately had tears in my eyes. And they weren't tears of happiness. They were tears of sadness. I should be 11 weeks pregnant, nearly out of the first tri, hearing a h/b. Not sitting here for the first day without a pad in two weeks, arguing with myself about trying to conceive again.

I feel so sad some days. I'm not over this loss and I don't know if I ever will be, and that also makes me sad. I feel terrible for feeling sorry for myself when confronted with someone else's good news, but I do. It's awful. So selfish and self-centered. The world has continued to turn and good things have happened to other people. I just don't know how to get the point that my world is still turning.

Things are better in so many ways, and in a relatively short time period. I mean, I can laugh regularly now, I can think about a baby again, I am not sobbing for hours on end. But then it hits me and I'm a mess inside for awhile. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be ordering our Christmas cards soon, with our announcements. And now I'm uninterested because I don't want to have to decide which picture we'll actually use.

I feel the urge to try again, at least I do about 65% of the time. But I don't know why that is. I mean, I'm still scared shitless about seeing a positive test. At the same time though . . . I know I want a baby. I want my baby in my arms. I want to be a mother with a child, instead of a childless mother. But then I wonder if it's not just some sort of twisted competitiveness, especially with this recent wave of BFPs. Is it just my own anger over my miscarriage reacting like it's some sort of challenge, as if I'll show them (show them what? who is them anyway?) and I'll get pregnant again.

And honestly, I know I'm being motivated by the urge to take advantage of whatever small advantage we might have in this cycle after miscarriage. But I don't want to be pregnant again so near the holidays (let alone go through another miscarriage at Christmas), and I'm afraid that in trying I will set myself up for even greater disappointment and worry if it doesn't happen. And I didn't want to be heavily pregnant in a Texas summer and I didn't want a baby in August. That doesn't even touch on the fears about another pregnancy and whether I'll ever be able to carry to term. I don't really feel like I have dealt with this m/c and I don't feel beyond it yet, and that weighs on me.

Anyway, this is an afternoon in which I feel sober and melancholy.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through right now. I remember being right where you are. I can close my eyes and think about it and I start to cry. Losing a baby is such a hard thing, it's a thing I don't think I'll ever really 'get over.' I can say I've found ways to honor Hope's memory and I will continue to do those things forever. I go to therapy and a support group to help me cope with my anxiety and fears. But they are still there to some degree. I know so well the fear you talk about, wanting to have a baby so badly but so scared of going through this again, or that it won't happen again. When we started trying again I felt like at that time my desire to be a mom was stronger than my fear, and I just keep praying and trying to believe that it would all be ok. Like you read in my blog, I still have my bad days, I think after a loss there will always be hard days. Being pregnant again definitely does not make all of the bad stuff go away. I never believed it when I had just lost my baby and people would tell me that with time things would get better. But now, 6 months later, I do know that things have gotten better with time. My heart still hurts and aches for my first baby, but somehow with time it did heal a little bit. I know the dark days you are in right now and how they feel endless and heavy. Somehow you will come out on the other side where your days will feel light again. I'm not sure how it happens, but somehow it does. ((HUGS)) Hang in there.