And it happens at the most inappropriate times, which makes it worse.
I saw four new BFPs today between various boards. How exciting for them! I was thrilled for them and immediately had tears in my eyes. And they weren't tears of happiness. They were tears of sadness. I should be 11 weeks pregnant, nearly out of the first tri, hearing a h/b. Not sitting here for the first day without a pad in two weeks, arguing with myself about trying to conceive again.
I feel so sad some days. I'm not over this loss and I don't know if I ever will be, and that also makes me sad. I feel terrible for feeling sorry for myself when confronted with someone else's good news, but I do. It's awful. So selfish and self-centered. The world has continued to turn and good things have happened to other people. I just don't know how to get the point that my world is still turning.
Things are better in so many ways, and in a relatively short time period. I mean, I can laugh regularly now, I can think about a baby again, I am not sobbing for hours on end. But then it hits me and I'm a mess inside for awhile. It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be ordering our Christmas cards soon, with our announcements. And now I'm uninterested because I don't want to have to decide which picture we'll actually use.
I feel the urge to try again, at least I do about 65% of the time. But I don't know why that is. I mean, I'm still scared shitless about seeing a positive test. At the same time though . . . I know I want a baby. I want my baby in my arms. I want to be a mother with a child, instead of a childless mother. But then I wonder if it's not just some sort of twisted competitiveness, especially with this recent wave of BFPs. Is it just my own anger over my miscarriage reacting like it's some sort of challenge, as if I'll show them (show them what? who is them anyway?) and I'll get pregnant again.
And honestly, I know I'm being motivated by the urge to take advantage of whatever small advantage we might have in this cycle after miscarriage. But I don't want to be pregnant again so near the holidays (let alone go through another miscarriage at Christmas), and I'm afraid that in trying I will set myself up for even greater disappointment and worry if it doesn't happen. And I didn't want to be heavily pregnant in a Texas summer and I didn't want a baby in August. That doesn't even touch on the fears about another pregnancy and whether I'll ever be able to carry to term. I don't really feel like I have dealt with this m/c and I don't feel beyond it yet, and that weighs on me.
Anyway, this is an afternoon in which I feel sober and melancholy.