Monday, April 27, 2009

Bated breath.

I feel like I am walking around as a giant ball of tension.

Tense going to bed last night.

Tense when the alarm went off this morning.

Wildly beating heart, fast breathing, just saying over and over "Please be high, please be high, please be high, please be high."

97.7 - a .3 drop from yesterday's lovely 98.0, but still pretty high, all things considered. The question now is whether or not it will drop tomorrow or recover to a higher temp. Oddly, this cycles temps are closely mirroring Chickadee cycle's temps. Same on 5 and 6 dpo, then .1 higher every day since. Crazy. If the pattern holds, it goes back up tomorrow.

This is why I don't like to continue temping post-confirmed-O. I get really obsessive. A .3 drop is not much at all, and in fact, if tomorrow's temp is as high or higher, the chart is officially triphasic. But I was still disappointed and a little sad. But temps will fluctuate from day to day. Individual temps on their own don't mean much.

I think the uncertainty of my lp is getting to me as well. Normally it's 12 days. I can count on one hand the number of times it has been more or less (excluding pregnancy). Normally, lp doesn't vary by more than a day in a particular woman. However, last cycle was abnormally short at just 9 days. So if that continues, my period could be here tomorrow. Other than some very minor cramping, there are no real signs of a period and my boobs are still sore and I'm still nauseated and all that jazz. But it could be here any time this week. So I sort of feel like I'm racing myself to get a positive test first - even though that is ridiculous because either an embryo implants or it doesn't.

I just feel so nervous and it is making me unhappy, but it's hard not to focus on it. I am trying. I read a new book yesterday and resume knitting on the baby blanket I started for Chickadee. Washed the car, cleaned a bit, researched life insurance policies. But I keep coming back to it.

I am so tired of this nonsense.

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