Monday, April 6, 2009

Yowza - my mind is circling round itself.

Surely this has to be a sign that ovulation is approaching soon, right?

Pain on both sides, not long lasting, but clear, pinchey, and yeesh. It's there. Watery fluid. I was concerned that I might again confuse watery/ewcm and semen, but I had watery cm before DH got home from his trip and there was no leftover semen as of this morning, and last I checked, it was clearly very watery. My cervix is so high that I can't reach it without doing a kegel while I check to push it down - and then it's definitely open, where it wasn't before (maybe it will open more and I'll feel stupid later on?). All signs of fertility, especially combined with the somewhat tender breasts and the skin break out. I'm feeling almost giddy with the hope of an earlier ovulation!

And then I go back and compare my charts . . .

Ah, yes, there is the rub. The ttc charts show something interesting. While my perception was that my cm was in a more 'normal' pattern, turning fertile later than usual, not necessarily. A day or so later than usual, but not much statistically different. And skin break out, while it does happpen near ovulation (and the same with tender boobs) . . . there is actually a lot of that happening. About a week + of it. Just like the extended fertile fluid, just like the cervix opening up and staying open for a long time. And what I said before about my ovulation pain being early? Yes, sort of. But it's also happened as far as over a week in advance, like I gear up, but then ovulation is delayed. And there is that looooooong fertile period.

Now, it feels different to me this time. Like I might actually ovulate soon. The ovulation pain is more crampy and sharp than I seem to have noted in my chart (this seems to usually come before ovulation, whereas what I've recorded as o pain earlier on has been more twingey than this). While I'm still experiencing some pain on both sides, it's stronger and more frequent on the left ovary, suggesting that is becoming the dominant follie (which, if it's true, could mean an ovulation more quickly).

It seems glaringly obvious to me now, but all of these things point to an excess of estrogen. Enough to make the fertility signs appear and stay, but not enough of the other hormones to push ovulation, at least not when it seems it should happen.

Is the vitex helping? Well, it's really too soon to say. I am hopeful. But I can't say for certain, and it is 100% possible (probably even) that my surety of ovulation being near is directly linked to having taken the vitex and willing ovulation to take place soon, hoping something will change and work so I can have a healthy, sticking pregnancy that ends with baby in my arms. It's hard to discount the tons of stories I've read (and now heard from my friends!) that vitex started helping immediately and worked really well for them. One dear heart even pointed out that positive thinking in and of itself has been known to do a great deal (the placebo effect, anyone?), and even feeling more hopeful and positive is a good thing for me.

All I know is that I hope it's soon (I'm privately hoping for on or before cd 18, today being cd 14) but that may be a bit much to hope for. I'm enjoying that my dh is back and that we are able and willing and compelled to have sex again. But I can't deny that my fingers are crossed in anticipation of an opk perhaps turning positive for me. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.

Ironic, I'm back to that again, no?

But I do feel pretty good right now, and it's a nice change.

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