Monday, December 1, 2008


You know, part of what makes this chart thing so extra frustrating? I didn't plan to be charting again for ttc purposes for another couple of years.

I shouldn't have to try and interpret a funky chart, and wonder what the hell is happening. I should be approaching my 15th week of pregnancy and planning on finding out the gender in a paltry few weeks. I shouldn't be reading the excited emails and posts comparing symptoms and closing them with a pang of sadness and a tiny tug at my heart. I shouldn't be randomly caught up with sadness or bitterness and people shouldn't be looking at me like I'm going to fall apart any second.

And yet, here we are.

So my remaining frustration and anger over my pregnancy loss is being shunted right into my frustration with my wacky chart. I just want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant again and not dealing with this. And as frightening as another pregnancy will be, I can tell you that far more frightening is being thrust back into this place of ttc, with months, possibly years stretched ahead of us and no way of knowing if or when we will ever get pregnant again, let alone pregnant with a baby that sticks and grows healthy and well.

It's a dark place and the hope that accompanied the first go round isn't there anymore. I hate this feeling, this well of despair that lurks under the surface. I'm scared, plain and simple. Will I ever be a mother who holds a baby in her arms and rocks it to sleep? Will I ever get to feel the kicks and pokes inside and feel the sensation of my baby slithering out of my body to breathe on its own?

I don't know, and that lack of foreknowledge bothers me immensely.

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