Work is ridiculously busy for this time of year. Audit coming up bears a large portion of that responsibility, but it's also just little things and little things turning out to be more complicated than is strictly necessary.
But I'm slogging away through it all, and this week has been pretty productive so I am pleased enough, though getting tired and desparately looking forward to the weekend.
I have been thinking a great deal though, and trying to find a solution to my frustration with ttc. It's not easy, because my frustrations are from varying sources, some of which can't be rectified - only dealt with (for example, the fact I'm ttc at all instead of being 14 weeks pregnant). I finally decided that I am going to temp, and that's about it. We will make an effort to have sex, every day if possible - but every other or every couple of days is fine - less for ttc purposes and more for our own connection, which we enjoy when we make the effort and don't force the issue. I am monitoring cm via toilet paper only. Not fingering myself to check internally, not agonizing over whether the fluid is creamy or wet or semen or eggwhite. How it appears on tp is how it's going on the chart. Period. I'll finish out the opk's I have and then leave them alone (for now).
That's it. I want to know when/if I am ovulating, and I prefer to temp, so that stays. The rest - I'm leaving it aside. Because I am stressing myself out and putting pressure on myself for something that is ultimately out of my control. I will get pregnant or I won't. Having more sex doesn't guarantee it. It could help - but one time at the right time is really all it takes. So we are going to give this a go for a cycle or two and then re-evaluate where we are and how we feel.
I've also been thinking a lot about how a miscarriage affects women, in general. Obviously, there is a wide variety of personal feeling about it, depending on the circumstances of conception and pregnancy and so on. But I do think that one reason it isn't talked about much - apart from the more obvious reasons of not wishing to discuss Unpleasant Things in Polite Company or the uncertainty about what exactly to say - is that there is a shame associated with miscarriage. A feeling of inadequacy, usually quite undeserved, that makes us feel that we ought to have done something more or not done something at all. That makes us question our bodies and our spirits.
Are we good people? Should we have cut back more on caffeine or not had sex or should we have taken a DHA supplement and eaten mango too? Maybe if we hadn't wished morning sickness would go away, or maybe if we volunteered more or went to church more often, this tragedy wouldn't have struck us? Maybe if we'd lost weight or gained it, or if we had exercised or rested more?
We often feel that our bodies let us down. In some cases, they indeed may have. In other cases, there is good cause - a cause we are unlikely to know in most cases, without repeat losses or genetic testing (which is not always available).
There often feels like a shame in talking about our lost children, as if we caused it. Or we feel responsible. There is sometimes a feeling of being judged for that, as if others feel that we somehow brought this on ourselves.
It is a rough road to navigate all of this and try again or discuss our babies that are not any longer. Because we are weighed down by guilt or shame, frequently, whether we think it logical or right or not.