Cramping yesterday, heavy full feeling, and a presentiment that I would start bleeding at any moment. Just like before your period, or at the fertile point in your cycle, when you rush to the bathroom thinking you need a tampon. With that came two tests that are distinctly lighter in color than previously, a possible sign of (finally) decreasing pregnancy hormone.
Well, this pregnancy never really had a chance. It implanted too late, and there was the period and the corpus luteum broke down too soon for it and there wasn't enough progesterone. If I'd been seeing an OB, if it hadn't been the holidays, I might have had my progesterone tested and maybe something could have helped, but I really don't think so - the levels were so low to begin with. Even if it had implanted sooner, I don't think it would have held.
I worry about repeat miscarriages, and I worry about what this might mean. Is there something wrong with me? With my eggs? I just think this was bad luck, but it's hard not to be concerned. Though, had I not tested that day, I'd never have known at all. So I must decide not to be concerned about it, you know? Easier said than done.
Of course, it's possible that that is a result of cold tests or some other thing, but I don't think so. It's possible that in three days I will still be getting positive tests, but I don't think so.
I'm ok with that. I just want the uncertainty to end. I have a strange feeling that I will get pregnant, with a healthy baby, soon, but we need to get this over with to move on. I don't know if it's the remnants of hope or the stirrings of faith - things I thought were dead and gone three days ago - but I have a certain peace right now.
Whatever happens, you know? It'll happen, and it will be ok in the end.