Friday, December 5, 2008

Why I do this stuff

I was reflecting, after catching up on some friend's blogs and other blogs I enjoy reading - why do I blog?

I'm not particularly witty, nor is brevity a strong suit of mine. I am not particularly entertaining, and I don't really touch on huge aspects of my life in this blog. This focuses mainly on the ttc/baby stuff. While I'm told I can be quite thoughtful and seem to have a way with words, I rarely feel that makes it here. I don't aim for lots of followers and I don't have many, which is fine. I sometimes refer people here when they ask about me, as my other blog is kept so private (there is me and me and that's it).

I do get something out of it, though I don't know if anyone else does. I get a means of thinking through some things and expressing some things and viewing some things. I'll have an interesting journal if we get pregnant again. There is much I don't place here, precisely because I have left it public - thoughts that I would like out but don't want scrutinized, fights I've had with friends or family that I don't want to air, stories I'm writing or considering, and many of my real opinions on controversial topics or choices about our lives are left out.

That isn't to say I don't share - there is a lot of sharing and a lot of honesty here, but it is fairly selective. I have been thinking lately that maybe I should open up more. I don't think this always gives an accurate portrait of me. I don't know if I'm ready to do that, probably won't ever be if I keep it public. Some joys and some pains are appropriate in a public place, and others are not. Some thoughts are fine when shared, but only amongst friends. Some things should be between a husband and wife, or mother and daughter, or confidents and other things shouldn't leave one's head.

That is the fine line the internet creates - how much do you share, how much do you learn and what does that all mean in the end? How well do you know someone on the other side of your screen? There are the usual jokes about how we don't know if we are really talking to a young man or woman or a truck driver with a lace fetish. But it's true even of real people, who attempt to express themselves in a real way.

DH has a blog too. He has quite a loyal following, including regular visits from Washington, DC following a joke about presidents and other things that may make Secret Service uncomfortable. Of course, he has the gifts I have not, of brevity and wit and quick-thinking and he is extremely entertaining. Early on his blogging career, he made an astute observation I've been thinking about recently. He said that blogging and exposing yourself on the internet in this fashion really is somewhere between pornography and humility - that it was arrogant to write your thoughts down and expose yourself and think the world at large takes notice or cares at all, but less arrogant than taking off your clothes and taking pictures of your naked self (engaged in activities of a sexual nature or not) and expecting people to pay to see them. I think he's got this one right.

So maybe this is a little bit of arrogance on my part, to publish what I do and think anyone should care, but I do it anyway. I guess maybe a part of me is an exhibitionist at heart.

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