Saturday, December 20, 2008

The result? None.

So I spent some time googling last night.

Apparently, Target brand and their hideous untrustworthy blue dye are notorious for false positives. That was encouraging.

I woke up this morning, peed in the cup, and realized I had blood when I wiped. Reddish/brownish spotting. Not a flow, just spotting, but that is usually the end. I felt stupid for not checking that first, given that the whole thing was supposed to be an exercise in waiting and not wasting a test. But since I'd already opened it . . . well, I thought, good. I'll take it, get my negative, the circle will be complete and I'll be at peace finally. Thank God we have two chilled bottles of wine.

Took the test and not much happened. Took it into a lit area, and fuck me if there isn't something there. Something shadowy, and present. And yep, both with glasses on and off, there is a super faint line. Only because I've seen a few negatives in the last couple of days did it catch me. FRER has not given me an evap line ever.

Take that test and the cup of pee downstairs and decide to test this Target brand evap theory. It comes up quickly and much more clearly than last night. Stree does the same. I look for the box of 3 FRER I opened last night to take another - hoping for a more clear result either way.

Could not fine that damn box. Opened the other box. Took a test. Again, a visible line. FAINT. There. Couldn't even tell you the color in the mediocre bathroom light, but I can clearly see a line. Take it out to stronger light, it's very clear and lightly pink.


I've now got 5.5 positives. The positives from the tests from last night are much more clear today. What is funny is that the listed sensitivity of Target brand is 50 ml/IU. The listed sensitivity of FRER is 25 ml/IU, but it often tests much lower levels. Here the clear positive is on the Target brand.

So anyway - what does this mean?

No idea. Could be a chemical pregnancy, in which the embryo implants very briefly, but not well enough to produce the necessary hormones - so it doesn't stick. You bleed when you would normally expect your period, and were it not for super advanced testing technology, you would never ever know you were pregnant. It sort of sucks, but it was unlikely to 'stick' anyway. You move on to the next cycle.

Could be a late implanter. If that is the case, then there are two possible scenarios. One, I will continue to spot and bleed and it will stick, but it'll be seriously emotionally draining and I'll just have to have several blood tests to check for doubling betas. Which should be so easy to manouever at Christmas time while I'm out of town for 10 days.

Or the spotting could stop. Things could go right on ahead. Whether it's healthy or not or will stick or not to be determined.

I have no idea which way it will go.

It's driving me insane, the need to wait again. But truly? There is nothing more out of my control than this. It will stick or it won't. I will continue bleeding or I won't. Nothing I can do right now will alter this. So while it's frustrating, infuriating, upsetting - I feel pretty calm overall.

Just wait and see. And say a few prayers for me and for this little one if you would.

**** UPDATE ****

Spotting has increased to bright red and is much heavier. I also experienced some cramping. I feel like I'm getting my period, so I'm not terrifically optimistic. Nevertheless, there is still some hope; I know (like as in real life know) people who had heavy spotting and even full period-like bleeding who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. So I'm not totally giving up hope. I'm just waiting. I'll test again this afternoon or this evening. If it's negative, well, then we know. Chemical pregnancy. If it's not, well, it's more waiting after that. That hard part is going to be trying to not pee for a few hours. I am needing to pee a lot; probably not helped by the bleeding.

Also - just took another FRER. Results inconclusive at the 10 minute mark. Faint greyish line that came up within 5 minutes, visible is regular light to both of us, but not really pink. Urine was borderline; it was only held for about an hour and forty five minutes, but that was the longest I could hold it. I've peed 5 times today, and didn't have anything to drink until 10:30. Tell me that's normal! Anyhow, it was a waste of a test, I think. Can't call it a definite positive, because it's so faint and can't call it a negative because the line is there. It could mean hcg is already disappearing from my system. It could mean the hcg is so low and the urine was so diluted that we couldn't get a good result.

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