Sunday, December 21, 2008

Nothing has changed, really.

The bleeding is a lot heavier. Just like a normal period. Spotting to red spotting to light flow to heavy flow to medium to spotting (ok, well, the last parts haven't happened yet).

The pregnancy tests are darker and more clear. That is not a guarantee of more hcg (it can often be about a test having more dye, or the urine being more or less concentrated). However, it is frequently seen that in testing very early and continuing to test lines will get darker. Very sensitive tests can sometimes detect very, very low quantities of hcg and will give a more clear result when pregnancy is established the level of hcg higher and easier to detect.

I took 3 more tests yesterday, all positive. The faintest was in early afternoon, but the urine was pretty dilute. That was the questionable one. The one I took after my nap (when I finally needed a tampon) was a definite positive. The one I took at 1 am was the clearest yet, though still faint, and still needing strong light to determine the color of the second line.

I went to bed expecting that the pregnancy would be fading. I got up, having to change my tampon because I bled through it. That certainly didn't increase my hope.

When I got up for good, I peed in the cup, and it was yellow. Not as concentrated as I might hope, but I figured it would be negative anyway, so it didn't much matter. Heavy, heavy red bleeding at this point.

Only - it was far from negative. The test line formed in under a minute. It was light pink by 5 minutes. By 10 minutes, it was a clear positive - much sharper than yesterday morning's tests. It was clearly visible and clearly pink in natural light, even at arm's length (yesterday morning's tests weren't visible at arm length to put it in perspective, and yesterday evening's tests were visible, but you couldn't possible assign a color, you needed to see it more closely for that).

So, I remain in a standstill. There is not much to be done. I would like to have blood levels run, but since I'll be leaving again on Tuesday, and can't get them drawn before tomorrow, there doesn't seem much point, at least until I stop bleeding.

It's just bizarre. I am not generally a particularly calm, level person. I strive to be, and to get control of my emotions as quickly as I can, but I really have been pretty calm through this. I can't do anything but pray to change the outcome, and it is so completely out of my hands. Normally that would frustrate the hell out of me and make me angry, but I'm just waiting right now.

I get that this is likely to be a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. I don't want that to happen, but I'm actually pretty ok with that. I don't feel like (at this point) that the universe is punishing me - it just feels like bad luck.

But a piece of me is wildly hopeful, and that piece grows more hopeful as each test comes back positive. There are a lot of reasons for that, and if this holds out and this pregnancy sticks and becomes my Christmas miracle, despite all odds, then I will share it.

For now, I find myself engaged in a lot of silent pleas and prayers. I have stopped praying for God to save this baby and started praying for the best outcome, for His will to be done, and I hope for that to be this pregnancy sticking.

So there we are. Another day in limbo. Another round of pregnancy tests to buy. Just waiting.

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